I’m just not feeling it today. What exactly is “it?” Anything/everything.
Tomorrow, though, I actually do have something planned.2 comments
I don’t really have much today. It was a slow day. Tomorrow night, I’m going to an Alanis Morissette acoustic show, I’m really excited about that, her voice, her honesty, her use of words is so beautiful without a bunch of instruments and a ton of noise.
Otherwise, I’m really very melancholy.3 comments
So, right now I’m at this trendy coffee shop in Ybor City, The Bunker. Though, honestly, it’s not very bunker-esque. I mean, they’ve been playing Coldplay for what feels like four hours, but is really only thirty minutes, Yellow just isn’t “bunker music.” Granted, I don’t know what IS bunker music, but I know it’s not Yellow, or Fix You, and definitely not fuckin’ Clocks.
Anyways, I’m here with Lauren (my top-notchy assistant), my tiny MacBook Air, and a decaf soy almond latte, which is probably the least pretentious coffee I ever order. Usually, it’s something with vanilla, or raspberry, or white chocolate, something ridiculous, decadent. I feel on the opposite side of decadent right now. Melancholy, is probably the word, but that’s nothing new.1 comment
So, I’m back from Cincinnati.
I just want to amend something from my last post. Saying I shouldn’t be thirty, I didn’t mean that literally, or mean that I don’t think I should be thirty. It was just rambling based on doctors a long, long time ago saying I probably wouldn’t tun one. I was being melancholy, introspective, but definitely not literal. I AM thirty, and so, there’s no should or shouldn’t. Like I said, I wasn’t really articulating well.1 comment
I’ve been reading this book by Catherynne M. Valente, The Habitation of the Blessed: A Dirge for Prester John, Volume One. It’s good, and I’ll write a review after I finish, but one quote caught my attention…
“Distraction is the enemy of perfection.”
I will never be remotely close to perfection, it seems. I’m drowning in distraction, and melancholy, and…No comments
So, I thought I’d write lots about my trip to Cincinnati, I thought I’d write everything, but I just don’t have the desire. I feel more like writing the Reader’s Digest version.
I went to have my trach looked at by the foremost airway specialist in America, Doctor Robin Cotton. He personally looked down the hole in my throat, changed my trach out twice. He decided my trach tube should be 5 mm. shorter. So, we’ll see how that goes.
I did a lot of wandering around the city, and it’s actually a very cool place, I just wasn’t in good spirits, because of some things that I don’t plan to write, probably ever. I got a tattoo my first night in town, sort of a physical reflection of my intense melancholy. It felt necessary.
In the hospital, I mostly spent three days watching movies, as my left eye was swollen shut because of a weird sinus thing, so I couldn’t wear my glasses. I’m a little blind without my glasses. Mostly, I was lonely. I thought I was past lonely, but before I left I became not-soo-certain.
Anyways, I’m bored, this is boring, and I don’t have the will to make it interesting.No comments
I’m fairly behind on things I mean to write, thoughts back up fairly quickly.
Apparently, I blacked out or something because Aimee Mann released a new album at the beginning of June and I totally missed it! Sara and I were hanging out and listening to music during which she asked, “hey, have you heard Aimee’s new stuff?” To which I typed, “omg! is it out???” Her new album, @#%&*! Smilers, is out and it’s fucking awesome. It’s full of pianos and keyboards, incredibly sad songs that often sound very happy. I kind of can’t stop listening to it, for a few reasons. First, it’s just amazing. It also makes me feel a little closer to my Sara. I haven’t written about it, I don’t really feel like writing about it. Sara’s in Boston for work, I’m here in Tampa until I can go North. It’s weird being so far apart, it’s definitely not something I like. I miss her more than Fentanyl, more than my own voice. I’m not exaggerating for affect, I mean it entirely. At some point, every single day, I miss the spectacular emptiness found in Fentanyl and I miss talking. Not all day, mind you. Just a moment or two. I just miss Sara more. We broke up once, which was bad, but it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other, and she still lived five minutes away. We weren’t “together,” but she wasn’t so far away that geography kept us apart. This is very different. Anyway, she visited last week, it was great. We laid in bed, listening to Aimee, just like I’m listening right now.
Wanted was an astonishingly bad movie. I mourn for my $9, I mourn for my 2 hours, I mourn that the movie exists at all. Honestly, I like crazy over-the-top violence. I loved Shoot’Em Up! I just could not buy Wanted. The dialogue was flat, the characters boring, and the film’s world was NOT conceived well enough to make me believe that bullets can curve. I don’t give a fuck how you flick your wrist, a bullet will not travel in a 360 degree angle outside The Matrix.
WALL•E was a beautiful movie. I thought Pixar might have peaked after Finding Nemo, but I was wrong. WALL•E is gorgeous and melancholy, but hopeful at heart. That pretty much sums me up, melancholy and hopeful.2 comments