My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jun 9

Blood and Glass

Category: Life

I’ve never written about it here, but ever since I was fifteen, after reading The Catcher in the Rye, I’ve had this… recurring want to put my fist through glass windows. Whenever I get so lost, so frustrated, I imagine going through the house and putting my fist through every single window. We’ve never had a garage like Holden Caulfield. I imagine the glass cutting my skin, digging into my knuckles, tearing veins, arteries. That pain would drown out every thought in my head. My head’s such a disaster.

He just loves her. he loves her , when he looks at her, time stops. She goes and goes and goes, and time goes and goes and goes, until everything’s gone and gone and gone. He’s just rambling now, waiting for sleep and bad dreams.He’s just rambling so that he’s not thinking about her, but that’s wrong, he’s rambling about her, so he’s not not thinking about her. He’s never not thinking about her. She’s somewhere else, he just wants her close, maybe the rambling makes her close. It does it does, a little a little, not enough. Not enough. At night, not enough.

3 comments

3 Comments so far

  1. jez June 9th, 2011 9:19 am

    “He’s just rambling so that he’s not thinking about her, but that’s wrong, he’s rambling about her, so he’s not not thinking about her”

    Oh jesus, that’s all too true. I have someone that I’m trying to forget and I find myself doing that constantly. Sometimes I’ll just repeat a phrase in my head over and over and over again to try to drown it out but it never works. Nothing works.

    I know that pain and heartache are nothing new or unique but everyday I am surprised by the fact that more people don’t disappear into a haze of drugs and/or alcohol. If I could cut this part out of me I would. It’s an insanity but nobody ever wants to hear about and I don’t want to talk about it so it just sits there and everyday I’m screaming.

  2. Lauren June 9th, 2011 1:22 pm

    I wrote an essay about that once — the desire to put my hand through a plate glass window. You’re not alone in the feeling.

  3. Katlin June 12th, 2011 3:00 am

    I have to agree with you I feel like doing that myself so you are not alone.

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