My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Dec 31

Thirty

Category: Life

So, I’m thirty today, and I don’t feel in good spirits.

I had this dream last night that I went for a fresh trach. They put me under for the procedure, I felt the drugs and I felt myself fall asleep, everything seemed so real. Then I started thinking something was wrong, I was someplace dark, and I kept thinking that I should be in the recovery area and I should have my computer and I should be talking to people, but I was just all alone in this unformed, incomprehensible, dark place. I kept telling myself it had to be a dream and I just had to wake up, but I couldn’t wake up. I kept trying, but I couldn’t make myself wake up. I was really frightened, if I couldn’t wake up, it had to be real. I started calling someone’s name, and calling, screaming. In all my dreams, even if I have my trach, I can still talk. That should have tipped me off that none it was real, but no. I kept calling for her in a voice she’s never heard before, but I was just alone in that dark place. I was terrified because I figured I really was dead, I’d never get to be with her again. That’s the part that scared me about being dead, I wouldn’t just wake up and go back to her. She always makes me promise to come back to her before trach changes, and I always promise.

I was so scared when I did wake up, my heart was pounding, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. She was next to me and I felt that warm, safe feeling, but not for long. I remembered she’d be gone soon, and I remembered some other things I don’t care to write, and anything that felt warm and safe went away. I just want today to be tomorrow.

3 comments

3 Comments so far

  1. Matthew Dyer December 31st, 2010 1:29 pm

    Unfortunately, todays are never tomorrows. Even worse, they aren’t yesterdays either.

  2. Mamanila December 31st, 2010 3:07 pm

    I dreamt about you too last night. You went for a new trach and I was sitting with you afterwards and the trach popped out. I started screaming help, help, help, help, help, help, help while I was trying to put the trach back in. We were frantic. You reached up and actually was helping me get it in place and then you reached for the oxygen tank. No one was coming but we got the trach back in and I had to hold it in place. You talked to me and said thanks and that you wanted cake. I told you we had to wait until someone else came and then I could get the cake for you. Then, Joe woke me up because I was shouting out loud.

  3. Otávio Pacheco January 1st, 2011 9:19 pm

    I used to have a very similar dream some years ago. A dark and unformed place. It was absolutely scary. I’ve had this dream lots of times, night after night, and always scary, til the day I started do have the control of the things inside it, the dark matter, and everything went comfortable again. Then I never had this dream again.

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