My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Jul 7

And… we’re back! Oh, and fuck you, 2010! And some talk about transparency…

Category: Life

So, I’m back from visiting the hospital for the last week. I picked up another sinus infection, that’s two in the last two decades, both in 2010. Go 2010, fuck yeah! 2010 has been a really fucked up year, but can I write about any of it, any part of it that Goddamn fuckin’ matters? No, of course not, not really. If I were really hardcore about transparency, really dedicated, I’d just write everything. I’d write it all and fuck the consequences. Write it all no matter what. Right? Or…

Is there a difference between “personal transparency” and something like… “interpersonal transparency?” I don’t have any problem writing about the thoughts in my head that pertain to me. That’s easy. No matter what happens, I have that covered. However, when it comes to writing about people in my life, those people and those relationships, and how they affect me, and how I affect them, and the way we’re all tied together, no. Apparently, I can’t.

The whole point of this blog is transparency. The fiction I write is okay and all, but I’m pretty sure that readers would much rather read posts full of bleeding edge, unflinching honesty about whatever’s in my head. When I was lonely and introspective, that was easy. As things are right now, certain people dominate my thoughts, these people and the ways we affect each other, and the ways we’re all strung together. That’s what is most important in my life, but I can’t write it. The writing wouldn’t just affect me, I’d be dragging the people I love and care about most into my crazy transparency experiment. That doesn’t feel right.

So, if I’m being selective about the ways in which I’m being transparent, am I not being true to why I started this blog? Is transparency an all or nothing kind of commitment? Who the fuck knows? I don’t know. I need to think about this awhile.

5 comments

5 Comments so far

  1. Matthew Dyer July 7th, 2010 9:49 am

    I think you’re wrong. I think readers are way more self-involved than you give them credit for. I don’t read your stuff to learn about you and what’s in your life. I’m looking for a mirror/lens, so I can see my life through yours. I want to realize things about my life and my relationships.

    And for that, capital “T” truth ain’t important. I’ll never know if things I read happened to you. Facts get in the way of the truth I want to know– the truth about myself, my world. I’m just hoping to get a glimpse of me through you. And I don’t need transparency for that. I need reflection. I need refraction.

    The work of finding truth is done on the reader’s end. Transparency is for windshields– functional, but not insightful. Give me stained glass and fun house mirrors. That’s how we’re both going to learn some truths. To nega-phrase John Lennon, “Gimme some lies.”

  2. Jenn Malatesta July 7th, 2010 4:57 pm

    I totally get what you are saying. I have to constantly mentally filter what I write about online so as not to reveal things about other people’s lives. I don’t give a damn about what is out on the net about me, but many of my family and friends are not so open. It would be fair to go on about them, no matter how much they affect my life or thinking.

  3. tori July 7th, 2010 9:24 pm

    i totally get what you mean… for this reason i created an anonymous blog. where i can write anything i want. true i have zero readers, but at least i get it out there and it is therapeutic…in a way. it’s really impossible to write everything from your gut and not hurt the people you love, if what you write about is something private that is connected to them. it’s impossible. in the end it may cause you and them pain that could have been avoided.

  4. Rach July 8th, 2010 8:04 pm

    Matthew – very, very well said. I often think about that…’oH, my readers are going to know x, y or z about me, and they’ll think differently about me or the members of my family because of it!” In reality, most people who come to read my blog do so to be entertained, or to think more deeply about something. They’re not coming to find out all MY secrets. They just like being entertained. And I think I’m a good entertainer…or so I’ve been told. Oh, and I’m also very good at starting fights and making people think about what they really believe.

    My husband sometimes gets annoyed with my tendency to overshare. Still, he has a thick skin. I’ve no idea the specifics behind your particular situation, but sometimes all you need is a good friend to bounce stuff off of, instead of the WWW and all of its idiosyncracies.

    So, don’t take it so seriously. Write what you want, or don’t.

  5. Une July 14th, 2010 5:09 pm

    Wondering and possibly wishing that you will eventually write about kittens in pashminas. Please make it a reality.

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