My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Nov 13

I am a sinner

Category: Life,Opinions

So, a reader recently commented on a post I wrote awhile back, Everything burns. It wasn’t a religious post at all, just sort of a look at how life is so temporary and why right now is so important. I wrote about how knowing that life could end at any second is a source of motivation, and depression, and sometimes impulsive choices for me. It’s sort of a liquor, depression, romance, live life right now because it’s going to stop one way or another, post.

Well, this reader replied…

i’m a little upset that nobody has anything to offer you but “your writing is wonderful”, writing is wonderful, it’s a gift and i’m glad you use it to express how you feel in a culture thats so difficult to understand the depth of another persons thoughts and emotions. Were so tied up into alternate reality through media and situations where its hard to ever find someone who really understands.

anyways. I have a lot of friends like you, even though you don’t know me. It’s funny how you can feel like you know someone through what they write down. You are right everyone burns, it’s an instinct we all have when we are bound by our… well for lack of explaination, depression, or our insecurity, our meaninglessness, ect.

There is truth in your words but you lack understanding, understanding which (since it’s so hard to find) will only be obtainable to most by pursuit of it. Your depression is the same depression as everyone elses depression, it’s a separate entity if you will.

This entity is none less then one from the story in the garden of eden. When satan the angel rebelled with other angels in pursuit of being god. Because of this god cast him out of heaven. Satan was in the garden of eden and tempted eve because he hated man, man was created in gods image. He hated us then and hates us now, and his goal is to deceive everyone of us. Because he has eternity of burning waiting for him and he will drag everyone he can down because of his hatred towards us. Satan and his angels (or demons) are the forces that tell us to do wrong and tell us that we have no hope. They are things like depression, and suicide, insecurity, homosexuality, sexual immorality, ect.

Even though you have done wrong and you have listened to those things, you can still have life. Take a step towards understanding, grab a bible, read it start with proverbs and John in the NT. Understand that this is why Jesus died, so you may live. Repent and stop indulging in the things that are draining your lifes blood and taking you to hell. Understand im telling you this because Ive been in your situation.

I was like you, until I had someone in my life forgive me for what I had done to them, he had told me about god and about jesus dying to take those things that bound me so I may live and be free. I was struck by this and pursued trying to understand christianity until I found it. I hate to see people depressed without anyone to be that person for them. You dont have to burn forever, Jesus died so you may live.

So. I guess I’m a good writer, but I’m definitely going to Hell if I don’t “pick up a bible” and find Jesus. It’s nothing I haven’t already thought about, I’m Catholic enough to know about Hell, and what it takes to end up there, and that I’ve done several Hell-worthy offensives. I’ve committed at least three of the Seven Deadly Sins, and I don’t at all feel guilty about at least one of them. I don’t feel bad about most of the “Hell-worthy” things I’ve done, and am going to do. That means that if there is really a Hell, I’m definitely going.

I’m tired of “Christians” judging people, and hating people in the name of Jesus. People seem to forget that Jesus was a radical, and that He was down with the outcasts, people society considered disgusting. Jesus taught love, not judgment, not hate. His teachings were not at all popular with the religious elite of the time, and that’s what bought Him a really fucked up death. People who judge, and condemn, and hate in His name are hypocrites. I imagine Jesus would call such people out as hypocrites, if He ever ends up paying us another visit. If every Christian actually practiced what Jesus preached, we wouldn’t have such an immense homeless problem, we wouldn’t have countless hate crimes committed every-day, life would be better.

I’m not a religious person, I think organized religion is ultimately just a way for a few people to control many people. The Bible is just a book written by men, men with flaws and agendas. It’s not some perfect guidebook to human existence. Too often, people use the Bible as weapon against other people, which definitely isn’t Christian. Organized religion has never made me feel welcomed.

I try to be kind to people, I try not to hurt anyone. I try to love unconditionally, I try to be empathetic. I don’t do any of this perfectly, but I try. I try to be a good person. I write a lot about liquor, and drugs, and depression, and sex, I write it all from experience. I regret some things, I absolutely don’t regret others. I believe in God and Jesus, in my own way. I could be entirely wrong about everything, or not. I don’t know. If I’m wrong about everything, I guess I’m going to Hell. I’ll see what happens, when it happens.

17 comments

17 Comments so far

  1. jadelennox November 13th, 2009 12:34 pm

    dammit, when I was halfway through reading that comment I was all set to be incredibly snarky, and then you turned your response to it into something philosophical and thoughtful. I don’t have any good responses to that kind of thing!

    … Probably because while I’m not a religious person, I’m Jewish enough the black humor is my response to every situation. So see, I managed to be slightly on-topic, in my own twisted way.

  2. Nieta November 13th, 2009 12:43 pm

    Ahh, another “Christian” who judges, free of charge. People like this are the ones who cause my religious jadedness, displaying the usual:

    – Intolerance
    – Lack of ownership of feelings/actions
    – Judgment

    I agree with you re the Bible, and all religious texts. They are human, and just as tenuous, fragile, and frought with ulterior motives as all of us are. They are also beautiful – but most certainly flawed. The sexism in this comment also rankles.

    Your comment about Jesus teaching love… Feels so right. This person doesn’t teach love.

    You so openly own your actions, you own your words and you own your emotions. You are noble!

  3. Phil Ritchie November 13th, 2009 1:39 pm

    is it just me or is Satan capitalized more times than god and jesus.

    is it the imprisoned inner self striving to claw through the christian brainwashed surface? tapping morse code on the pipes of hypocrisy.

  4. cayrah November 13th, 2009 2:26 pm

    I didn’t get intolerance or judgment out of their response. You’ll find a lot of Christians who are, but there are a lot who define themselves as Irreligious followers of Christ who like nothing more than read the bible, worship, do good works in the community as praise to God and are not all that interested in conversion. That includes me.
    A lot of Christians forget that there are verses in the bible that explicitly say, and I’m paraphrasing, if you are a good person, love unconditionally, you will come to know God’s love.

  5. jimmy November 13th, 2009 2:45 pm

    right on!

    here’s a quote by somebody who i consider a real christian, “Get somebody to be able to say about you, “He may not have reached the highest height, he may not have realized all of his dreams, but he tried.” Isn’t that a wonderful thing for somebody to say about you? “He tried to be a good man. He tried to be a just man. He tried to be an honest man. His heart was in the right place.” And I can hear a voice saying, crying out through the eternities, “I accept you. You are a recipient of my grace because it was in your heart. And it is so well that it was within thine heart.” – MLK

    i know i wouldn’t send you to hell. so either God is more compassionate, more perfect than me – in which case, you got nothing to worrry about. or God isn’t that great. and i’m actually more compassionate and perfect than God – in which case, i think God should step down from being God and hand it over to me or somebody else who can do a better job.

    (just my heretical two cents)

  6. Jennifer November 13th, 2009 3:06 pm

    I think you are right on about Jesus. and religion and such.

    But do you really think this person is hating you? She sounds really gentle to me, even though she’s talking about hell. I mean, I don’t believe in any of the things she’s saying, but she really just sounds like she is telling a story that she thinks has some relevance for you.

    Anyway, kindness, love, empathy, liquor, drugs, depression, and sex are all beautiful things to live a life by. Lots of the time, the darker side is where the good stuff is, and surely if Jesus was all knowing, he figured that out. I think mostly, you and this person just have a difference of opinion.

  7. michael November 13th, 2009 3:40 pm

    cayrah, Jennifer: This part of the reader’s reply is what absolutely bothers me…

    “Because he has eternity of burning waiting for him and he will drag everyone he can down because of his hatred towards us. Satan and his angels (or demons) are the forces that tell us to do wrong and tell us that we have no hope. They are things like depression, and suicide, insecurity, homosexuality, sexual immorality, ect.”

    Homosexuality isn’t Satan’s work, it’s not something evil. Comments like that upset me.

  8. Ginger November 13th, 2009 3:55 pm

    Michael, I will meet up with you in hell. I’ll be at the bar, with a really hot man AND a really hot chick, doing very bad things until you get there. You’ll know it’s the right bar when you see the vodka and bourbon fountains…I’ll be the one eating zoloft like candy. Oh wait, I think I just described heaven.

  9. Jennifer November 13th, 2009 4:01 pm

    Ah. Yeah, that is upsetting.

    It can also be upsetting to say that something like depression or insecurity is sin. Because that means a person should feel guilty for them, which is dumb, and compounds problems. There is nothing dumber and more emotionally confusing than feeling guilty for being insecure. This person didn’t call it sin, but it’s not a leap to go from work-of-Satan to sin.

    Anyway, I can understand your response more now.

  10. James Bobik November 13th, 2009 4:41 pm

    Wow.. Its amazing it is..Agenda’s ahead of concern and care. I am sorry for this my friend. As you know I am a christian. I agree of much of what she said but not the context it was said in. I truly feel too that is would decrease a lot of these issues but since I am not you I cannot say that I would receive that the same way it was meant. I guess it is true the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Sad to say sometimes it lit but the ones who desire are to keep you out of it. 🙂

  11. James Bobik November 13th, 2009 4:43 pm

    Organized Religion has never comforted me either.

  12. Kinn November 13th, 2009 4:46 pm

    bring it. f*ck the haters. using religion as a sword to eviscerate the outcasts (Jesus’ chosen inner circle) is grotesque. whichever hell you may or may not go to, I assure you, you will be in good company.

  13. Susie November 13th, 2009 11:42 pm

    I think you have it right Mike.

    And as for people ‘just’ telling you you’re an excellent writer – well, that’s why I keep reading. And I doubt I’m the only one. I found your blog because of a session at an accessibility conference. I return because the writing is great and it’s interesting see an author who’s growing in his talents. I used to work in a writing field and switched to programming, so it’s nice to watch a great writer in the making as he works. I’m also reading a biographical novel on Vincent Van Gogh – same reason.

  14. cayrah November 14th, 2009 2:48 pm

    Trust me, and this is an issue even with my Christian friends, equating homosexuality with addiction, and well, the summation is here.
    1 Corinthians 6:9-10
    However, in other translations of the Bible there is discernment between homosexuals and homosexual activity which I belive almost explicitly covers same sex abuse but we won’t go there for now.
    Never, have I ever EVER believed that being a homosexual is wrong. God created us to love us and we are all sinners. It is so misguided, and so strange to me. I don’t wake up every day and look at my husband and say, “Yeah, I’m still attracted to men.” There are no caps lock big enough to really portray my disgust and exclusion of gays and lesbians from ANYTHING. Seperate but equal is not good enough.
    Anyway, it is my experience that most Christians, however well-intention and completely misguided when it comes to this issue and I can see that coming across in this person’s response.
    1 John 4:16 (New International Version)
    16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
    God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

  15. VoxLuna November 16th, 2009 10:55 pm

    That kind of patronizing insolence makes me nauseous. What exactly qualifies the writer to be your life coach, Michael?

    Commandment #11: Thou shalt not peddle thine bullshit upon others.

    While I’m at it, there’s something I’d like to clear up. I was /born/ gay. It was never a choice (I mean, who the fuck would choose that?!).

    So who made me this way — God? Wow, talk about original sin. No, wait, it had to be the Devil! Then God isn’t so omniscient after all, is he?

    Truth is, the answer is “C”: invisible spirits had nothing to do with my sexuality. Expression of my genetic material did. Period.

    Sorry to be so brusque, Mike, but it had to be said.

  16. nancy November 20th, 2009 4:00 am

    I’m a christian. and i used to judge people pretty freely but the hate got in the way of my faith, to be honest. now it’s just easier to remember that if i judge people i’ll be judged just as harsh, if not more harsh, than i’m judging them. eh, it’s easier to throw it all away and do the love thing. it’s what we were supposed to do, it’s what transforms, and it’s what people need. i’m sorry, on behalf of the pathetic excuse for a body of christ that is the modern american church.

  17. doni November 25th, 2009 9:59 pm

    I just had to write – I’m also very much enjoying reading your blog. You are an interesting person and have some great thoughts to share that make me think.

    In regards to all the comments about the Christian – while she may be misguided, misinformed, and erroneous, she certainly doesn’t hate you or anyone else. Isn’t it ironic that there are so many hateful comments about her being hateful? I think there’s a huge gap between people who misunderstand one another’s words and motives based on their own life experiences. She’s trying to be inclusive by sharing something that she believes and it’s been interpreted as if she’s judging and hating. That makes me sad.

    I’ve been in the church (deeply) and now I’m out and I see both sides of this. I have no patience for people who incite hate on both sides of this issue. I don’t think she is inciting hatred – she’s just sharing with you the things she has been brainwashed to believe. I disagree, but I do see that she is trying to be very kind – it’s just that the message she believes is not a kind one. So maybe we all can get a lot further understanding each other if we talk about the point rather than vilify the messenger.

    Just a thought….

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