My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Oct 14

The bottom

Category: Life

So, Monday evening I drank enough bourbon to kill a small pony, and had to visit the e.r. I’ve done similarly before, and I suppose those other times didn’t particularly affect me. I never really openly talk about these things, but this time is different. Liquor’s been this really fun thing that various people have told me I “can’t” have, which is a lot of why I kept at it, and generally, aside from a few incidents over a few years, I’ve been fine. Still, before Monday I was thinking about giving it up, or really cutting back, or giving it up. I couldn’t decide. I just kept thinking that liquor hasn’t been fun for awhile. I mean, you feel great for two hours, everything’s all perfect, then you come down and feel like shit. I’d been hearing Kurt sing, “My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale, mend it with you. We’ll float around, and hang out on clouds, then we’ll come down, and have a hangover…” Every time I drank something. It fit so perfectly. Drinking, quite often, was something I did  to turn off my head, to mask depression, or boredom, or both. I’d been thinking about that before I did what I did Monday, before I went and drank enough bourbon to kill a small pony.

I blacked out, woke up in the e.r. I woke up and thought, “Oh God, I fucked up.” It hit me just how stupid it was to wake up in that way. I finally thought about who I’d have hurt if I hadn’t managed to wake up. I don’t want to hurt those people. I don’t want to hurt a pair of beautiful brown eyes that I love so much. I don’t want to hurt myself. So, I’m done with the drinking, because I genuinely want to be done with it. I tried it for long enough, it’s absolutely no fun anymore. There are definitely better ways to handle boredom and melancholy. I hit the bottom, I didn’t like it.

5 comments

5 Comments so far

  1. Annie Flanagan October 14th, 2009 7:20 pm

    I’m glad. I bet those around you who love you are glad too.

  2. mama October 14th, 2009 8:12 pm

    Michael – sad to hear about your screw up last night, but oh so happy to hear about your decision to be done with drinking!

    xoxoxo Nila

  3. kevin October 15th, 2009 9:07 am

    i have been there. my bottom was hurting so many other people besides me. prayer and jesus helped me kick booze -i never would have thought in my life i would have said this is how i accomplished this goal. you will love life so much more when not in the funk of drinking. god bless.

  4. Will October 15th, 2009 4:19 pm

    Beware swearing off things in totality; it has a tendancy to rebound on you if you goto extremes; you miss it more, you crave it more. Subtle moderation in the mind a great place to start; care, concern, respect for yourself and those you love, and forgiving yourself if you sneak a drink or whatever it may be that one clings to for a break, an escape, a change of mind. At least that’s what I’ve learned. It is refreshing in an odd way that all vices have a built in mechanisms to remind you they’re just an escape, a down to the up. It’s those that don’t heed the warnings that truely find themselves in trouble.

  5. Kitty November 6th, 2009 2:00 am

    I just got there too, Mike. Don’t know if it was my ‘bottom’, because I reckon it could always be far, far worse. Not sure I’d want to know what my bottom could be, really.

    So now the only thing that’s different is I’m not drinking, which just leaves the boring & all that other crap. Yeah, I feel clearer now, but duller too.

    Wish I could agree that there is an answer in god. I don’t, but I do think our lives must have some meaning. We probably won’t know what it is and it probably won’t be manifested if we asphyxiate on our own vomit.

    – Kitty

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