My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Sep 2

Tattoo #25

Category: Life,Tattoos

On of my favorite Alanis Morissette songs is Purgatorying, it’s from her Feast on Scraps CD/DVD set. To me, it’s a song about lifeless life, filing up with nothing meaningful, wandering toward nothing. It’s a song about being numb, spending so much time feeling empty, yet never acknowledging it because it’s terrifying to acknowledge being broken, and not knowing how to fix it. I’ve felt so much like this song for so long. I’ve felt it, and I acknowledged that feeling in pain and ink…

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Tattoo by Colt, artist and badass at Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo in Ybor City, Tampa

So, I spend a lot of time bored, lonely, feeling empty, almost never content, but I’m putting it in writing. I’m not pretending nothing’s wrong, not as of right now. Writing this, I’m starting to feel so much wasted time, I can’t stay like this, Purgatorying until my end. Lately, I’ve been so fucked up, afraid to say things because I honestly have no idea what might happen after they’re said, both in my writing and relationships. I’ve been afraid to say what I want to say, so I haven’t been saying anything. I’ve been confusing patience with abject fear, mixed with self-loathing. I want to look back on this time in my life, I want to look at this tattoo from a good place, and truly appreciate being there because I remember what it was like to feel lost, and empty, and dark. I could also never end up in that good place, stories don’t have to end well, but I’d rather get to that end having written everything, said everything. If zombies showed up in the morning, I’d feel pretty fucking stupid, like I wasted so much.

6 comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Ginger September 2nd, 2009 3:14 am

    You’re not that much different than the rest of us.

  2. josh September 2nd, 2009 12:04 pm

    Perhaps you could find some odd comfort in the fact that some zombie, after licking up the last of your gray matter, would roll you over and read you like a human poem. An industrious zombie may even hang you up somewhere for all to read!

  3. michael September 2nd, 2009 12:12 pm

    josh: I don’t think zombies can read…

  4. concrete_bubble September 2nd, 2009 4:06 pm

    It would really suck if zombies learned to read. The next thing you know they would learn how to open doors and windows and we would all be screwed.

  5. josh September 2nd, 2009 5:07 pm

    Yeah . . . you’re probably right, though you’d think a steady diet of brains would stimulate a little more activity than it seems to . . .

  6. Apes September 2nd, 2009 11:10 pm

    “Our hell is a good life…”

    purgatorying reminds me:

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