My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 18

So

Category: Life

So, writing hasn’t been easy for awhile. I’m depressed, distracted, very uneasy. As much as I believe in transparency, the things that are bothering me are things that I just can’t write. Well, I could write these things, I just don’t feel comfortable writing them. I don’t know what to do. I can’t write what’s the loudest in my head, and if I can’t write that, I can’t write anything.

I’m so absolutely tired of almost being happy, then not. I’m tired of decisions that aren’t mine. I’m just tired. I want to say, “fuck all.” I want to put my fists through glass. I want everything to burn. I want oblivion.

8 comments

8 Comments so far

  1. Chris/ M-Brane August 18th, 2009 3:01 pm

    You say that what you WANT to write is something that you don’t feel comfortable writing. Maybe you should do it anyway and see if that makes you feel any differently. What’s anyone going to do about it if they don’t like what you have to say? And you don’t have to show anyone either if it’s too personal–even though I’m blabbing online constantly I also keep a totally private offline place where I write down any crazy shit I think of, even stuff that makes me feel a little sick sometimes. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes not. Sometimes I want oblivion, too, but I guess not today.

  2. teresa August 18th, 2009 6:10 pm

    It might help YOU if you go ahead and write it, but you don’t have to share it. Just getting it out and written down can be cathartic.

  3. michael August 18th, 2009 7:13 pm

    Chris and teresa: I’ve tried “private writing,” it’s not really for me. I do most of my “writing” in my head before I ever “type” anything, so it just feels tedious if I’m not writing to be read. I imagine it would feel different if I could type faster.

  4. chris/ M-Brane August 18th, 2009 10:18 pm

    How about this for a compromise: write it but instead of blog-posting it right away, email it to someone who you think is going to be on your side no matter what it is but who might say, “Yeah, Michael, POST that shit!” or “Dude, you might want to keep THAT to yourself.” I suggest that because I used to do that sort of thing (ask a friend: “Hey is this too crazy or sickening to say out loud?”), though I don’t have anyone who listens to it nowadays.

  5. michael August 19th, 2009 6:48 pm

    chris: I’d listen.

  6. Melissa August 23rd, 2009 1:34 am

    You just sound bored. Anyone who laid around in bed all the time would feel exactly the same way. Can you go to college, or get a job? I know no one is going to hire you to move pianos, but you could review video games or something. Can you get into a college and move into a campus apartment? At least take one class. You need to think about something besides yourself. I understand, you have every right to be depressed, but its boring to read. Your travel writing was very interesting-go on another trip.

  7. michael August 23rd, 2009 1:52 am

    Melissa: First, I don’t just lay around in bed all day. Next, I did review video games, it’s boring, empty writing. As for college, I’m not particularly interested just now. Lastly, if I’m boring, you really don’t have to read it.

  8. Melissa September 1st, 2009 10:53 pm

    Can I get an injunction against your troll to keep her from using the same name as me? Blech. ūüėČ

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