My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Apr 25

Tattoo #18

Category: Life,Tattoos

So, before I get into my nineteenth tattoo, I should mention my eighteenth.

A few weeks ago, I came across a Nirvana song I’d never heard before, a B-Side versions of I Hate Myself and Want to Die. The song’s immediate appeal is its raw energy, but I always have to know a song’s lyrics after I decide I like how it sounds. After a lot of listening, and a little research, I found that the lyrics are really very interesting. Basically, I don’t think the song is about anything in particular, it doesn’t come together to tell a story. To me, it feels like random lines poetry, some of which probably don’t mean anything, while others definitely mean something…

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Tattoo by Colt, artist and badass at Doc Dog's in Ybor

My favorite line, “I could never only, one day,” is what I picked for my eighteenth tattoo. I like it because it really describes my inner-struggle, the fact that I can’t simply wait for “one day.” I’m not a content fellow. I want certain things in my life, and I’m not particularly good at just waiting for them. Outwardly, I come off as very patient, and part of me genuinely is patient, but there’s another part of me that is constantly wanting. It’s been said to me by several people that maybe I should just accept the life I do have, that if I did do that I wouldn’t be so unhappy. The thing is, I absolutely cannot be content with that kind of acceptance. I don’t think it’s crazy to want a life bigger than my stylishly decorated little room, a life of writing, a life with a lover and space apart from my family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. Having had and lost those things, I’m completely certain that I cannot be content without them. Honestly, the idea of living a life of never having has gotten to be more terrifying than the thought of dying.

6 comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Alex Carnegie April 25th, 2009 11:12 pm

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting these things. They’re very much like the things I personally want or have wanted.

    To ask a person to stop aspiring, I think, is to offer them a death sentence

  2. Jay April 26th, 2009 2:19 am

    Mike? Jesus loves you.

  3. Jay April 26th, 2009 2:26 am

    And I need your list of Chuck Palahniuk reads again. Anathem by Stephenson just isn’t cutting it for me.

  4. Sir Tessa April 26th, 2009 3:22 am

    Accepting, to me, sounds a little like giving up. If you don’t want, you may not try, and if you don’t try, you may not trip over something new that changes you.

    Desire is hard to control, it can too often turn around and destroy you, but it’s the best vehicle to drive your life with.

  5. Steph April 27th, 2009 2:59 am

    Never give up the dream.

  6. teresa April 27th, 2009 10:49 pm

    Being at peace – does not mean that you are content or have accepted anything. You might want to try “choosing peace” instead of choosing misery and turmoil because you don’t have what you want right now!

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