So, before I get into my nineteenth tattoo, I should mention my eighteenth.
A few weeks ago, I came across a Nirvana song I’d never heard before, a B-Side versions of I Hate Myself and Want to Die. The song’s immediate appeal is its raw energy, but I always have to know a song’s lyrics after I decide I like how it sounds. After a lot of listening, and a little research, I found that the lyrics are really very interesting. Basically, I don’t think the song is about anything in particular, it doesn’t come together to tell a story. To me, it feels like random lines poetry, some of which probably don’t mean anything, while others definitely mean something…
My favorite line, “I could never only, one day,” is what I picked for my eighteenth tattoo. I like it because it really describes my inner-struggle, the fact that I can’t simply wait for “one day.” I’m not a content fellow. I want certain things in my life, and I’m not particularly good at just waiting for them. Outwardly, I come off as very patient, and part of me genuinely is patient, but there’s another part of me that is constantly wanting. It’s been said to me by several people that maybe I should just accept the life I do have, that if I did do that I wouldn’t be so unhappy. The thing is, I absolutely cannot be content with that kind of acceptance. I don’t think it’s crazy to want a life bigger than my stylishly decorated little room, a life of writing, a life with a lover and space apart from my family. There’s nothing wrong with wanting those things. Having had and lost those things, I’m completely certain that I cannot be content without them. Honestly, the idea of living a life of never having has gotten to be more terrifying than the thought of dying.6 comments
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