My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Mar 22

Stupid

Category: Life

My thumb seems to be getting progressively worse, my hand kind of feels like dead weight. At the moment, I’m rather lonely, uneasy. I’m often lonely, but this is worse because I physically can’t make it stop. I can’t type anything fast enough for a good conversation, people who are decent enough at the alphabet aren’t around. My going out assistant isn’t back yet, nor do I have a backup yet. I don’t get the NeuroSwitch for another two weeks, but I keep worrying that it won’t work. I can’t think of anything good or happy right now.

I feel like much of this situation is my fault, and it’s possibly too late to fix things. I’m pretty sure I hurt my hand back in December when I checked myself into the hospital for depression and insomnia. I was depressed and not sleeping mostly because of my break-up with Sara. I lost Sara because I made some bad choices last summer. It’s complicated and difficult to write, especially right now, but I broke two promises and they cost me. So, here I am, and it all seems so stupid.

14 comments

14 Comments so far

  1. sarah p. March 22nd, 2009 10:04 pm

    Hang in there. All of us are dealing with our not good enough stuff. The voice that tells us that gets consistently louder as we believe it.

    It is interesting, we have to learn so much just to survive; how to eat, how to read, fire means danger, but we never learn how to have grace for ourselves when we start feeling like shit. Anne Lamott said that the mystery of grace is that it doesn’t leave us where it finds us. Hang in there and know that you are not alone, we all hear that not good enough voice. Just recognize that it is a story… and you get to write a different story.

  2. teresa March 22nd, 2009 10:38 pm

    Wish you would stop blaming yourself for the Sara break up. She had choices too. It’s obvious that she made am f’ed up choice by leaving you!!

    You did the right thing checking yourself in last December. You do a lot of things right and it’s time you start taking a look at that!! How do you know that your thumb stength wasn’t going to diminish anyway? Sometimes no matter what you do to try to stop it-shit is going to happen.

    At least there is a chance for you to be able to write faster than you ever have with the neuroswitch! It really seems like is a positive possibility. And if it doesn’t work – well at least you are going to give it your best shot.

  3. Rachel March 23rd, 2009 4:43 am

    If the new switch doesn’t work, it’d be for one reason only: That it couldn’t keep up with your superior mental power. I’m sure it will work out amazingly though, and you’ll be extremely pleased with it. Don’t worry Mike, it’ll be great.

  4. noc March 23rd, 2009 4:52 am

    Things are bad.

    We can only hope they get better.

  5. Will March 23rd, 2009 7:21 am

    There’s no reason the Neuroswitch won’t work; everything can be tweaked and adjusted and there’s some very bright people out there more than able to dial that thing in for you if it’s not cherry out of the box. Every set back with technology is an opportunity to develop the next generation, or make a quantum leap. Same goes for life, love, and zombie attacks.

    I just got over in the last year Mike, a relationship end, with what I thought was the only person for me. I spent my time looking back, or talking to her like time had stopped instead of moving forward. It ended up being the most short-sided possessive mindset in the world. I took a gamble recently, I dared myself outside my comfort zone. Took awhile to get there, but suddenly, that dark is making the new light all around me that much brighter. Please keep in mind the Day Before You Met Sara. Do you remember what it was like before you ever knew she existed? And what it was like when your heart fluttered and you felt like a million bucks?

    That experience and connection with someone is available again; it’s out there, waiting for you to welcome it. You may not have to do much more than be yourself.

  6. Ormolu March 23rd, 2009 12:57 pm

    The hardest thing in the world can be letting go. I know, I’m still struggling with it myself, still embroiled in a back and forth relationship for the past 2+ years.

    If I can be completely honest? Sometimes when I let go of him a little, I can see more of my old self and that makes me happy. Not just the person who’s been stuck in this all too often depressed funk.

    You’re not alone in your feelings, Mike. I do hope it will become easier for you to let go. Kitty Jesus knows, I’m still working on it.

  7. JasonN (i140 on Twitter) March 23rd, 2009 6:04 pm

    I don’t know if reading is a pain too, since you’ve got to use your thumbs to navigate. But if not, I hope you take the time when the thumbs are bad to read stuff that is a bit more uplifting than your own thoughts. There’s nothing wrong with your own thought – they’re you, at the moment, expressing yourself. But, you can escape the you for a few moments and enjoy someone else’s bliss. Maybe, you can even absorb some of their bliss into your own existence. The mind is an amazing thing. Feed it. And, feed it good food.

    My writing doesn’t qualify, most of the time. But, I’ll keep you in mind and try to find something enjoyable to read, assuming you want me to. I’ll tweet you the question. A simple y or n will suffice.

    Keep good spirits.

  8. JT March 23rd, 2009 9:42 pm

    I don’t know. That NeuroSwitch looks like it might be the ticket. Very impressive, very fast and intuitive, and tested by Stephen Hawking, Super Genius. I’m in Software Quality Assurance by trade, and I’d trust his testing any time.

  9. espo March 23rd, 2009 9:54 pm

    So the NeuroSwitch seems pretty awesome. But you know what don’t get your hopes up on it working. Because then it will just be harder to accept. Its better to have the pleasant surprise of it working like a gem!

    But you’ll just have to wait and see. In the meantime if you don’t feel like writing I say go see “I love you man” I thought it was pretty hilarious. I needed a good laugh and seems like so do you 🙂

  10. Will March 23rd, 2009 11:22 pm

    Bravo Jason N, “you can escape the you for a few moments and enjoy someone else’s bliss. Maybe, you can even absorb some of their bliss into your own existence. The mind is an amazing thing. Feed it. And, feed it good food.”

    Hear Hear, Here, Here.

  11. michael March 23rd, 2009 11:55 pm

    Thanks for all the comments, and particularly the lack of Lama quotes. Also, welcome new readers!

    teresa: Trust me, it was definitely my fault.

    JasonN: Ahh, but I love my dark fiction. I like going somewhere as dark, if not darker than where I am. What do you read?

  12. teresa March 24th, 2009 10:41 am

    one more thing…

    Self-grasping and self-focus gives rise to suffering. It is the root of all afflictions.
    – Dalai Lama

  13. michael March 24th, 2009 10:54 am

    teresa: You just couldn’t resist, could you?

  14. teresa March 24th, 2009 12:47 pm

    You tempted me, so I ate the apple…plus this one really applies!

Leave your thoughts

%d bloggers like this: