Dec 23
Give me patience
I have this tattoo, “Give me patience,” it’s an allusion to Palahniuk’s Invisible Monsters. The book meant a lot to me and I figured having those words etched into my arm would be good, as sometimes I feel really short on patience. I feel really short on it right now. The tattoo’s not giving me anything. I want things, simple things, but they all seem so far away just now. It’s astonishingly frustrating.
I’m wondering if patience would help me, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe patience is just a way to pacify a person when they ought to fight harder. I really don’t know.
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My personal feelings; the strongest cause for developing patience is for when someone you love hurts you; because they will; they will hurt you and you don’t want to respond in a way that takes anything away but their pain…and that is tough….when we get hurt by a loved one; it’s almost always in a way that causes you such shock, such surprise; you feel nothing in it was deserved or warranted or makes ANY sense; since you have such a bond made of excluding the world’s BS ; so your reaction is to feel a defensive pull; lashed at; lash back, and if not at them, you lash back at the very idea of them, the future of you and they and diminish your integrity; your hope, and you go for some sort of revenge; either trying to show them their wrongs, silence, superiority; something even if you’re not outright lashing back….And later, after time and review in your head; or best, with them or info from others; you find slowly in pieces of fact or intuition; that they had cause; not a just one maybe, but a cause; a reason; and usually it was from their own pain, or their own need to feel a little power…that always gets me..that sometimes the human heart is so twisted it lashes out at loved ones because they are testing it and you, subsconsciously; they are begging for you to accept it and be humble and take it, and respond with love, and when you don’t, you can destroy so much you’ve worked for.
Patience, then, to me, is what patience is all about; because it’s then that it doesn’t feel possible. The World at Large? Sure, it can screw you over; but your Love? How/WHY, near rage can come from that; history shows it countless times….but keeping with the idea of patience in general; assists greatly in those moments, builds an integrity and humility in you that later serves you well. But never seemingly well enough; so it’s like an unobtainable goal.
I so far have concluded there is no nirvana, no goal state; instead; a constant non stop challenge, each day, each day a victory or a slight defeat and the best feeling I get from this life has been that the defeats, taught me more to a victory; and that victory is never at anyone’s expense so I use that word lightly.
Patience; reminds me of a famous old riddle….
what’s so fragile that even saying it’s name can break it?
Silence
For me, patience involves waiting out things I can’t change and toiling away at the things I can change while always keeping my eye on what it is that I ultimately hope to have happen for myself and/or others.
Thank You Mama.
We needed That
Happy Holidays.
Here’s to 2009 and Beyond
Cheers.
Literally
😉