My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Oct 29

High on the ferris wheel

Category: Life,Random Thought

I got high on the ferris wheel, didn’t like how it made me feel so alone…

…is a line from Aimee Mann’s Looking For Nothing. It’s astonishingly sad, especially the way she sings it. It came up in my shuffle a bit ago, and I started thinking about how lonely I feel lately, but never when I’m high.

In the last couple of years I’ve been high on various narcotics for pain after trache procedures, and loneliness is never part of the experience. Being high is the polar opposite of feeling alone. If Hell is the absence of God, Demerol is the absence of Loneliness. It’s warm and safe. It’s someone you love holding you close, whispering everything will be just fine. It’s the part of sex that has nothing to do with thought and everything to do with feeling. For an hour, the entire world is perfect.

Of course, it’s a fake perfection. It’s fake, and deep down you know it. It’s a place you want to visit, and the visiting’s fine, but staying will definitely destroy you. I don’t stay, but sometimes, I think it would be nice not to leave, which is why I always do.

Give the song a listen.

3 comments

3 Comments so far

  1. Steph October 30th, 2008 6:49 pm

    I think you are making this too hard on yourself.

    Is your goal to be fine, feel perfectly content, not a bit lonely?

    That’s ridiculous, You’ve had your heart broken.

    Set small goals. Enjoy a beautiful photograph, a cloud on a gorgeous day, that one scene in a movie that always makes you laugh, that one email that makes you feel connected to someone for even just a few minutes.

    Build on those small moments. They have stregth and power and that will grow.

  2. redandjonny October 30th, 2008 7:33 pm

    You sounded like W.S. Burroughs or Jim Carol there. Very nice.

  3. Teresa October 30th, 2008 8:56 pm

    what you say is what you will be. if you want to have peace of mind and feel some type of happiness you will, if you don’t you won’t.

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