I’m a kind of addicted to a video of Nirvana playing Dive, I watch it a few times a day lately. It’s a little ridiculous, but for the 4 minutes and 19 seconds it’s on I’m genuinely happy. I think it’s the way Kurt looks, he’s in a dress and a tiara, and he’s doing exactly what he wants to be doing. He tunes his guitar a little, takes a spectacular drag off his cigarette and that’s it, he’s on. It’s beautiful watching something like that, 4 minutes and 19 seconds of total contentment and freedom.
Whatever Kurt did on stage just looked so pure, exactly what he wanted to be doing. He wasn’t putting on an “act.” He did whatever crazy fucked up idea he had in his head, not for the “show,” but because he liked it. He wanted it. I aspire to that sort of freedom. I’ve had it before.
Lately I feel kind of lost, but when I watch Kurt wear a dress, or smash up an amp, it reminds me of that freedom and how it feels. It pushes me to have that feeling again, to chase that fix. It’s why I leave the house with a hose in my neck and IVs in me. It’s why I have ten tattoos. It’s why I flirt, why I kissed Sara one rainy night in that tiny room. I like that feeling, I need it. Seeing that freedom reminds me that it’s possible, even if everything I want seems so far away.1 comment
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