My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 21

Somewhere else

Category: Life

For a very long time, he felt as if he didn’t quite fit his life. Somewhere along the way he fell through the dusty and cliche looking-glass, he ended up in a familiar place that just felt wrong. It was difficult for him to see exactly what made the world feel so strange, perhaps he was afraid to look too closely. Afraid to pick at a world that might shatter and become something worse. Still, he knew enough to know that things just weren’t right, not for him. In all of his travels, no matter how grand or exciting, there was a heaviness in his chest, a haze in his head. He felt a longing to be somewhere else almost every waking minute, but he couldn’t particularly say where. He felt alone in every crowd. He slept little, sleep doesn’t easily find one so ill-contented. He was the happiest dour fellow around, he filled the dark with showy false light. For a long time he wandered, lost in melancholy, not really knowing how to begin what he eventually began.

Okay, I’m sick of writing about being lonely and unhappy, lost. It’s SO EASY to be lonely and unhappy, you just have to lie down and wait for it. Breathing is more difficult. This always becomes so clear in the hospital, when I’m always half-afraid I won’t get to leave again. So, here I am in the hospital, looking past my MacBook out on to the shitty skyline of Tampa and I don’t want to be here. Right now, and really for the first time, I know exactly where I want to be. I’ve known in a broad sense for a few years, but honestly, getting there could seem just as frightening as not getting there. I found that place of contentment and lost that loneliness, but I fucked up twice.  I let things scare me off. I regret letting that happen. I let life feel overwhelming without trying hard enough to steer things right. Not anymore. Not if I have anything to do with it. What I want is not always easy, but looking out this window with a needle in my neck, knowing everything I know at this moment, I’m really not afraid of the rest that scared me so. I’m writing this to the most important person in my life. I love you, more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’ll say it here, I’ll say it to you, I’ll say it anywhere. I don’t care. I was definitely afraid to be with you and not be with you, both at different times, but not anymore. I’m not afraid to say I want you, you’re everything I ever wanted to find. I want to write during the day and fall asleep at night with your head on my shoulder. I want us to have our own family. You’re my Rushmore.

6 comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Rachel August 22nd, 2008 10:44 am

    “You’re my Rushmore” is one of the most wonderful things to say to someone you love.

  2. redandjonny August 22nd, 2008 2:05 pm

    I agree… that line really got me to. You’re such a beautiful writer Michael. I wish I was as articulate and as eloquent as you are. Your posts are so brilliant. I find that when I’m away from the computer. I feel like there’s this amazing book I’ve been reading that I’ve misplaced. And the book I am reading just doesnt cut it anymore. I have to admit… I’ve fallen in love with you through your blog posts. I Think about you everyday.
    Like that line in your TAL episode… ” I actually think about those other people watching TV, unaware that I’m dying.. while we’re watching Nic at night”
    I now find myself thinking about what and how you’re doing all the time now.
    I don’t want you to feel alone. I want you to know you exist outside yourself in a very significant way. That in your writing you personify everything I wish I was and could be. Strong,passionate, eloquent and articulate…and best of all..really fucking cool. In my eyes you are Tyler Durden. I’d like you to know even though we’ve never met… I know you and I would make great friends.
    I’m starting our project this weekend. (with a little surprise thrown in to hopefully give you an extra big smile.)
    It is now my mission in life to put a smile on your face every chance I get.

  3. Mary August 22nd, 2008 2:41 pm

    Redandjonny is right. You exist outside yourself in a very significant way. I would wager that there are a lot more of us out there who may not know you personally, but feel inextricably connected to you. People who frequently find their thoughts wandering to you during the most mundane or most frightening or most dazzling moments of their day. For me, and probably countless others, just knowing that you are out there is indescribably comforting. Knowing that I am not alone in my fears or frustrations.
    You have redefined “the human experience” and in doing so, given all us of a center. You’ve become the thread that binds all of us who are secretly (or not so secretly) scared of dying, scared of living, scared of love, and scared of loneliness. Without question, you have tapped into something deeper and more profound than you probably ever realized. And all just by being yourself. By putting your thoughts out there for us to find. By giving us something to find comfort in–the beauty, fragility, and commonality of the human experience.

  4. Ormolu August 22nd, 2008 9:09 pm

    I’m awed at what the others before me have posted. Michael, your stark honesty inspires others to respond in kind. You’ve had an amazing effect on the world, the kind of thing I could only wish for, myself.

    And then you wonder how you can be considered an inspiration. 🙂

  5. michael August 22nd, 2008 9:30 pm

    Thanks everybody… I just write what’s in my head. It’s probably good for readers that I’m not big into collecting little snow globes or porcelain kitty cats.

  6. Dare August 27th, 2008 12:05 am

    Has anyone mentioned how witty you are? It’s true: you’re very witty.

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