My Whole Expanse I Cannot See...

Better days

michael — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:03:49 +0000

So, clearly this blog has seen better days. I really do want it to be like it was, but I have to make that happen. There’s so much in my head it’s making me crazy, but I can’t get any of it out. I have to try harder.

Idiot math

michael — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 03:46:37 +0000

So, yesterday I was sick, a really unpleasant kind of sick, and while I was sick I just turned off my brain and started watching this spectacularly train-wrecky show, Sister Wives, it’s about this polygamist fellow and his four wives. The show’s bizarre on lots of levels, but this one thing immediately jumped out at me. In order to justify his skeezy lifestyle, the fellow says, “Love should be multiplied, not divided.” Love should be multiplied, not divided. He says it so philosophically, like he’s fuckin’ Plato. He talks like he’s cutting edge, state of the art. I’m not particularly good at math, but I know idiot math when I see it. His little polygamist formula accomplishes exactly the opposite of its supposed intent. He’s multiplying his number of wives, but dividing his time, and his love, between his gaggle of women. He sleeps in a different bedroom every night, they go on separate dates, he’s spreading his love thin, he’s not multiplying anything but his sleeping arrangements.

When you love a woman you should love her, and only her, honestly, and completely, and always. Love is real when you’re with someone and the rest of the world goes away. You look in her eyes and everything around you gets soft, muted, all you see is her. All you feel is how much you love her. You look in her eyes and you’re not worried about, schedules, money, the tedium of the day. You’re not scared of dying, where you might go after you die. All you see is her, you don’t want to be anywhere else, with anyone else, ever. She’s more intoxicating than any liquor, any drug. She’s your everything. That’s love, and you know it when you feel it.

Polygamy’s something, but that something isn’t love. Not really.

Sick

michael — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:44:54 +0000

Sick.

Lies

michael — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 23:46:33 +0000

I lied, I have nothing of substance to post today. Again.

Tattoos

michael — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 02:42:08 +0000

I’m up to 61 tattoos right now, I’ll post them tomorrow.
I’m tired.

Writing Chinese

michael — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 01:40:54 +0000

Writing here used to be so easy, it was natural. Now, now it’s like work, like writing Chinese. I don’t feel like anything is worth saying anymore. I wonder if posting every day will loosen my head, or if I’ll just stay stuck. I don’t know, I guess we’ll all (all two of you) find out together.

Day 1 of February Daily Posting

michael — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 03:19:28 +0000

I’ve nothing good in my head.

Starting in February

michael — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 23:43:58 +0000

So, starting in February (tomorrow), I’m going to post something every day. I have made this kind of vow before, and I keep them well enough, for awhile. I don’t know, I just want to start writing again.

Christmas

michael — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 20:09:46 +0000

So, it’s Christmas Eve, I’m watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, trying to feel Christmasy, but it’s not happening. I have to go to dinner at the in-laws’, then Midnight Mass, and the whole time I’ll be thinking about where I really want to be. It’s the same story every year, I’m so sick of writing it. Though, it’s not about not wanting to go have dinner with the in-laws, or to Midnight Mass, I like a both. It’s about something that’s missing, someone, whatever.

Oh Christmas Tree

michael — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 03:02:00 +0000

So, I got a Canon EOS Rebel T3i, and it’s absolutely amazing. The neatest thing about it is that I can connect it to my MacBook Air and shoot pictures myself.

My little tree...

I need a tri-pod to really line up my shots. but I got this picture of my Christmas tree just sitting the camera on my bed. Back when I could use my thumbs, I used to shoot portraits with a Nikon N90, a film camera, before the days of SD cards and megapixels. I always loved lining my shots, composing everything just so, hearing the satisfying shutter-click, and knowing that I caused that click. Today I got to feel a little bit of that stuff again, and I’ll get to feel a lot more.