My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

May 25

Well, goodbye

Category: Creative Flash

So, in about ten minutes I’m going to die. I woke up late, my alarm didn’t go off. My alarm didn’t go off because the power went out. The power went out because, well, and this is so fucking stupid, apparently some giant fucking monster sauntered out of the Pacific Ocean and decided to crush San Diego. Who knows what woke the thing? Maybe it was off-shore oil drilling. Maybe I played my music too loud. Maybe this whole Goddamn thing is my fault because the fucker doesn’t like listening to Heart-Shaped Box at 4 AM. I don’t know, nobody seems to know. Just before the radio went out they were talking about casualties, people abandoning their cars on gridlocked roadways trying to get away on foot, trampling each other to death and getting nowhere. There’s nowhere to go, between the fucking Cloverfield Godzilla Sea Monster and the military trying to kill it, it’s nothing but chaos outside.

I’d rather just sit here with my Goddamn breakfast, my last meal of Fruit Loops and a bottle of vodka, than die out there in that sea of inhumanity. I’m just talking into this tape recorder because it seemed like the thing to do, to save a piece of me. I’m going to get smashed or burned to death, but maybe this tape and my voice will stay without me. I don’t know. Maybe Cloverfield Godzilla whatever the fuck it is will be the end of everything and my stupid voice on this stupid tape won’t mean a Goddamn fuckin’ thing. I don’t know. I really don’t know much of anything after twenty-nine years. I wish I could laugh about this because it’s so absurd, but I can’t. I hear sirens and gunfire, smell smoke and a million dead fish. I’m going to die and I’m scared. I’m thinking about someone who isn’t here, someone I love so much. If you’re alive and you get to hear my voice on this tape, I love you and I wish we’d had more time. I know it’s pointless to say that, but it’s all I can think about just now.

I think I have time to polish off this vodka. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me after I close my eyes for the last time. I wish to God this would just stop, but You’re not going to do anything, are You, you fucker? Maybe You’re not even there and I’m just sitting here talking to no one. If You are there, and You are listening, I’m sorry. I don’t know, I really don’t know anything.

I don’t know what else to say, except, well, goodbye.

4 comments

4 Comments so far

  1. Jen May 26th, 2010 9:55 am

    This is dynamite.

  2. jimmy May 26th, 2010 2:16 pm

    not quite the same sentiment, but wanted to share it anyway… i think that sometimes our desire to die is really just a longing to escape the deaths we live through everyday… a desire to really live, free from familial or societal rules and expectations. part of each of us knows that in the middle of this quest for comfort we’ve lost some vital part of what it means to be alive. something we’ve lost, but don’t know what it is. and don’t know if we’ll ever get it back…

    “Inside this new love, die.
    Your way begins on the other side.
    Become the sky.
    Take an axe to the prison wall.
    Escape.
    Walk out like somebody suddenly born into color.
    Do it now.
    You’re covered with thick cloud.
    Slide out the side.
    Die,
    and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign
    that you’ve died.
    Your old life was a frantic running
    from silence.
    The speechless full moon
    comes out now.”
    – Rumi

  3. steph May 27th, 2010 3:13 am

    I dig! Immediately drawn in. I also like the dryness during times of Apocalypse…

  4. Jacqi August 9th, 2010 1:28 pm

    Nice Kurdt nod, I approve (:

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