My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a Priscilla Ahn song, City Lights, Pretty Lights, from her really spectacular second record, When You Grow Up. City Lights, Pretty Lights is sort of a dream-like folk version of PJ Harvey’s Dress. You get all prettied-up, you go out, hit the the town, but it’s all just dull, empty. You’re surrounded by people, and energy, but in your head, and in your heart, you just feel alone and lifeless.

I often feel this kind of empty, especially lately. My face hurts every moment of every day, I feel weak, and it’s all very lonely. I feel wrung out, hence the tattoo.

Oh, on a side note… This was far and away my most painful tattoo, but that’s part of the pleasure found in tattoos. It’s a decadent, delicious pain that strengthens the memory of getting the tattoo. I like when they hurt, it’s totally different than pain that’s forced on you. It’s a pain you choose because you know at the end, you’ll have something lasting and beautiful.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from possibly my favorite Aimee Mann song, It’s Not, which is off of one of my top ten favorite records, Lost in Space. It’s Not is also possibly the saddest song ever written.

When I got this tattoo I was thinking about the last line of the song… “…and I believe it’s you who could make it better, though it’s not… no, it’s not…” That line, I always see Monica’s face when I hear it. I see her face, and feel the wasted years, and I wish so hard that I could take it all back, but I can’t. I wish I heard the song the way I hear it now, way back when, the first time I looked in her eyes.

For those who lean toward Flickr, I’ve finally collected my tattoos thus far there too…

For those of you inclined toward Facebook, I’ve finally posted my current sixty-seven tattoos…

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, here we are, tattoo sixty-seven, I currently have no more after this one. Don’t worry, sixty-eight is totally coming in the next few days. Still, right now, sixty-seven is the newest.

It’s a bee! Why a bee? Why NOT a bee…?

There’s one just like it floating around somewhere else.

Tattoo by Colt, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this is another Aimee Mann tattoo, lyrics from her song, Long Shot, which is off of one of her earlier records, I’m With Stupid.

To me, the song’s about this relationship that just goes bad over and over and over again. The one person keeps trying to end it for lots of reasons, solid reasons. Right? Yes, sure. Not really, though. All those reasons that seemed so solid just end up being, “please love me more.” Love isn’t rational, it’s just something you feel, and want, no matter the reasons for or against it.

Anyway, the tattoo felt appropriate.

Tattoo by Colt, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a PJ Harvey song, The Soldier, off of a record she created with John Parish, A Man a Woman Walked By.

I really like The Soldier because she takes the incoherent, yet vivid nature of a nightmare, and makes it coherent. Few writers can do this well, I’m talking song writers, fiction writers, any sort of writer. Dreams, and especially nightmares, are just not easy to put to words. You want to keep it wispy, surreal, vivid, yet something readable and compelling.

The song is about a soldier who has seen horrible things, done horrible things, is damaged, completely fucked up by these experiences, and at the end of everything just wants to go home. That’s how the last year felt, the last few years felt, leading up to this tattoo. I just want to take all my damage, everything I’ve made so external, I want to take it all and go home,

Tattoo by Colt, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a song, Slip and Roll, off of Aimee Mann’s latest record, Charmer. If you don’t have Charmer, and you like Aimee Mann, go get it right now. It’s a spectacular record.

The song is about dodging punches, existing without really living, until you’re willing to take a hit… “the” hit. The hit that means you’re ready to do more than exist in safe emptiness, you’re ready to take some hits, you’re ready to take life in all its fullness. If all you do is slip and roll, you’re never going to get hurt, but you’re never going to feel anything good either. In order to experience happiness, joy, something as spectacular as love, you have to risk sadness, loss, loneliness. Love wouldn’t feel like magic if you didn’t have to risk so much for just the chance to experience it.

This tattoo reminds me of these things…

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from a spectacular Elliott Smith song, Last Call, from his very first record, Roman Candle. Last Call is what bartenders yell out before the bar closes, your last chance to get a little more smashed before it’s time to stumble on home. I’ve heard my share of last calls. The song’s about a fellow who got out of a really brutal relationship, a relationship that cost him, hurt him, and nnw that he’s out, he just wants to forget. He wants to forget the lies, he wants to forget how much he hurts, he wants to turn off his mind, every thought in his head, until everything dark is gone. Until she is gone.

I totally get the song, and I never thought I would, but I do. These lyrics are etched into my foot, but the entire line goes, “You start to drink, you just want to continue. It’ll all be yesteryear soon.”

I was with this girl, Monica, and she hurt me a lot. The last time I drank, it was a few years ago, I drank enough to possibly end me. I totally wasn’t aiming to end me, I just wanted to turn off for awhile. I didn’t want to think about her, I didn’t want to think about being let-down, led on, about feeling lonely, and why I went back over and over and over again. I just didn’t want to think about any of it, at least for a little while. So, even back then, I got the song. Fast forward to last September-ish, it’s kind of a blur, Monica was long gone, physically I felt so weak, I was lonely, completely lonely, the loss of my assistants was sounding finished, and I just kept thinking, “my life can’t stay like this, can’t end like this, it has to get better.”

That’s what was going through my head when I got tattoo #62.

Tattoo by John, with typo correction (my fault) by Colt, Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo is from an Aimee Mann song, Looking for Nothing, off her gorgeous record, @#%&*! (Fucking) Smilers. Looking for Nothing is my favorite song on the record, it’s a really beautiful piece of writing. To me, it perfectly describes what it’s like to be surrounded by people, and feeling completely lost, not walking through life so much as drifting. Every-day is the same, nothing to look forward to, nothing that even hurts. Life without pleasure or pain, happiness or sorrow, passion or even anger. All you have is nothingness. You’re not dying instantly in firry car crash on your way to romantic night with your love, you’re dying by inches, over years, because you have absolutely nothing to live for, nothing to drift toward. When you have nothing, and nothing to reach for, you die from that LACK of motion.

For the last year-ish, I could relate.