My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for October 6th, 2013

Baton Rouge: The Leaving

October 06th, 2013 | Category: Life

So, I was willing to put my body through any level of duress to go on this Pilgrimage to Baton Rouge to see my third Aimee Mann concert. Only dropping dead would have stopped me, and even THEN, I may have risen anyway.

The day before I’d ended up having to have two trach changes, and an ear tube installed. The trach changes sucked, but I really wanted the ear tube. Ear tubes are a bad solution for me anymore, after six years of not breathing through my nose, there’s just a lot of degradation. My hearing’s been muffled for awhile, everything sounds like I’m underwater, but after a few ear infections because of ear tubes, my doctor really doesn’t want me to try them anymore. He’s actually talked me out of a new ear tube at least six times. Doctor Padhya cut the hole in my throat, and has taken care of me ever since. He genuinely wants the best for me. I’m definitely not an easy patient, I’m a lot of extra hours, but he does whatever’s necessary to keep me alive, and happy.

I wrote him the following note before my trach change:

Hi Doctor,

I know this is short-notice and I apologize, I just decided I HAVE TO ASK what I’m about to ask…

I know ear tubes are bad, I know that they are no kind of long-term solution, and are even bad short-term, HOWEVER… On Tuesday at 5 am, I’m driving all the way to Baton Rouge to HEAR my favorite living singer/song-writer, Aimee Mann. My hearing has been muffled since my facial surgery and I’ve dealt with it, I’m even trying to get used to it, but now that I’m going to see Aimee… I just want to hear her, I want to hear her the way I heard her seven years ago. I want to hear her beautiful, sad songs clearly, not like I’m under water.

An ear tube balances the pressure at least 2 weeks, and even for some time after it’s out. At least it’d be clear enough by Wednesday evening to hear Aimee.


If you can’t do it I understand, but I figure I have to ask anyway.

Thank you for reading, and your always excellent care.


Well, when I woke up from my first trach change, I had a tube in my ear. Doctor Padhya has never let me down.

Needles to say, piling into the van after a day of procedures, piling in at 5 am, I was exhausted. I don’t generally leave my room the day after a trach change, let alone the state, but I wasn’t not going.

I went.


I’m back

October 06th, 2013 | Category: Life

So, here come the Baton Rouge posts!

I didn’t have time to post when I was there, and when I got back, I got astonishingly sick.

I drove ALL the way home just so my local Starbucks could poison me.  I react BADLY to caffeine, and they gave me something that was the polar opposite of decaff. It was like ordering heroin and getting meth instead.

I’m feeling much better.

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Tattoo #72

October 06th, 2013 | Category: Life,Tattoos
Tattoo by Randy (touch-up by  Colt), Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

Tattoo by Randy (touch-up by Colt), Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this is actually my SECOND tattoo from possibly my favorite Nirvana song, Verse Chorus Verse, which is on several Special Edition collections.

I don’t usually get two tattoos from the same song, but these words, they’ve always felt very true, and very beautiful, if a little sad in certain contexts. The words could mean different things on different levels, they apply to many situations. People debate their meaning, as have I. To me, the song”s about one’s relationship with a fix, loving something (someone) that hurts you at the same time.

I know this feeling, but I’m glad to know it just the same.

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