My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I just want to take a moment to remember the tragedy that affected all Americans twelve years ago today. My thoughts are with those who lost someone that day, I hope they’ve found some kind of peace.

Today was really long and really frustrating. I was very anxious, my anti-anxiety medicine didn’t do a bunch. Not being able to leave my house gets to me some days more than others. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep for a thousand years, until the Tea Party is destroyed by time. I miss when politics was something fun to follow and argue, before a political group literally ruined the life that I fought so hard to build, that I nearly died building. Technically, I did die, but just for a little bit. I’m just babbling, most readers probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but I started writing late, and I’m just frustratedly bitching.

Coherence tomorrow? Does it matter?

Maybe my previous post isn’t really part of something longer. I mean, I’m just tired. I wish trach tubes were more advanced, but as I think about it, they are pretty advanced, it’s not simply a bic pen shoved into my neck. The tubes are bacteria resistant, custom measured, they’re not primitive. The real issues are that my trachea is shaped funny, and, plainly, the human body doesn’t like foreign objects shoved into it. My throat doesn’t know this tube’s keeping me alive, it’s just some invader that apparently can’t be swallowed, so it obviously needs coughed out at all costs. Basically, my throat’s an idiot.

It’s kind of interesting to think about how hard-wired the human body is, it’s designed to work and protect itself. My throat’s not an idiot, it’s a part of an astonishingly complex machine that wasn’t designed to work with plastic tubes in mind. When a trach tube gets removed, which generally does happen, they’re primarily a temporary airway, the hole that gets cut in one’s throat heals closed in a matter of a few hours. The body knows that under general circumstances, a hole in the throat is bad, fatal, and must be closed as quickly as possible, The human body is fascinating.

I’m just worn down, wondering how much fight I have left. The trach isn’t really my biggest problem, but it’s immediate and the easiest to explain. It makes the physical act of writing much harder, but if other things were right, the fight would be much less costly.

So, let me say first, the tubes that keep me alive are a blessing. When the doctor asked if I wanted absolutely whatever it took to keep me alive, I said, “Yes.” He was trying to convince my mom to let me go, and then telling his fellow doctors that it was all my mom fighting a lost cause. That I wouldn’t want to go on with machines and tubes and hoses, if such measures even worked. Exhausted, my mom told him to ask me, ask me while he still could. He asked me, I said, “Yes,” to everything. Then I coded, died, my heart stopped, and they got me back. They did all the procedures one doctor thought I couldn’t possibly want, and now I’m typing this post, six years later.

Now, given everything that has happened since, the ups and downs, depression, joy, depression… My trach feeling awful over and over, feeling awful right now… Given everything, would I tell that doctor to do what he did then, knowing all that I know now? Of course, totally fucking YES. That said, I’m so exhausted, so uneasy. More than anything, I’m scared, scared my story isn’t going to end right.

This is just a prelude to a larger narrative, my trach is still really bothering me. I didn’t have the focus to write more, but I figured a start is better than nothing.

So, today’s not a writing day. Mainly, the little plastic tube in my throat has been really uncomfortable, just very irritating to my throat. When this happens, I can’t focus on anything else. This has really been an issue the last few months, and years ago I used to write about it, but I stopped. I just figured, what’s the point? It’s bad often enough, we’re always trying new tubes because as the trachea changes, the tubes just quit being comfortable. It’s just, I don’t know, whatever, who cares?

A reader, dave, commented,

Your thoughts on atheism and religion. Is the world becoming more (or less) atheist? Have your views on this changed over time? Why or why not?

I think people who are raised “religious” often hit a rebellious phase, they question why they should believe completely, blindly, in something without having any proof that it’s real. Their world-view shifts, they want to experience things their religion denied them, sex, drugs, rock ‘n roll, often to a self-destructive degree if their religion is strict enough. Maybe they swing back, all the way, part way, maybe not at all. They experience shifts toward and away from Atheism.

I was raised slightly Catholic. I was raised Catholic enough to think that the movie, Dogma, is hysterical. I was raised Catholic enough to be scared of Hell. I’m not “religious,” nor is my family. I’m in a church once a year, Midnight Mass. I know the Our Father, not the Hail Mary. I’ve never rebelled against any of it because, really, I have nothing to rebel against. I’m a Catholic without all the denial. Nobody’s ever said to me, “You can’t have sex with your girlfriend, you’re a Catholic and you’ll go to Hell if you do!” If I was gay, my mom would probably like me more. My grandma actually once told me, “You’re disabled, God doesn’t make you do Lent, you don’t have to give up anything.” I was like, nine. I’ve come to believe what I believe and none of it has changed since… I started believing in things. Some of my views have expanded with age, thoughts on sex, vices, Atheism. You can’t really have opinions on things you haven’t experienced, not sound opinions at least.

Generally, I think religion is alive and kicking, often too hard. I believe that organized religion is dangerous. Far too often, religion is used as an excuse to exclude, control, and hurt people, to kill people. Today’s Republicans say, “The government’s too big, get the government out of our lives!” Except when it comes to women’s health and gay rights, in those cases religion apparently gives government the right to tell people EXACTLY how to live. A part of our government is using religion to write policy and legislation to discriminate against “sinners.” It’s not what our founding fathers intended, not what Christ intended.

I’m a fan of Jesus, I try to follow His example, be loving, kind, don’t hurt people. I’m absolutely not perfect, but I try to follow those three ideals. It astounds me when “Christians” hate gay people in the name of Christ. Hating someone, treating them as less than, is as far from Christ-like as it gets. Christ taught us love, compassion, forgiveness, He didn’t hate anybody. I know Atheists who are more “Christian” than some “Christians.” Whether you believe that Christ died, was resurrected, and ascended to Heaven, or not, I think that if people followed His teachings, really followed, even just as an historical figure, the world would be a much better place.

I don’t think the world is turning toward Atheism, not that that would be bad. I mean, there are good Atheists and bad Atheists. There are Good Catholics and bad Catholics. Any religion or belief system has good and bad practitioners. Believing in God doesn’t necessarily make you a good person, just like non-belief doesn’t automatically make you a bad person. I don’t think Atheism is bad at all, the Atheists I know are kind, compassionate, good people. I have faith that it’s ultimately our actions that matter, not what we say we believe. I don’t see how a loving God could deny good people from Heaven just because they don’t believe in Him. If God’s that unjust, well, I’ll get to hang out in Hell with all my favorite people.

dave, I think I kind of hopefully maybe possibly wrote what you wanted.

So, I continue to be pleasantly shocked by all the post ideas, I really didn’t expect so many. Thank you! If you have more, send more. The more ideas the better, I’m definitely writing them.

Today was just not my day for finishing anything. Everything was really hectic, people in and out of my room, I kept having to answer tedious, yet necessary e-mail. It was just not a day for the quality kind of writing I am trying to post. Writing just isn’t an easy craft, it’s actually really hard. It requires solitude, a comfortable space that feels safe, completely yours. Loud music, soft music, even no music if that’s your mood. People around who offer encouragement when you need it, and solitude when you don’t. Writing is a solitary, lonely craft. Connections to people mostly come after the physical act of writing is finished, especially for me. Not being able to speak, I can’t type my conversation and type my craft at the same time. That can be really frustrating, having to choose where to spend my words, my time. Limited time, vanishing time.

Tomorrow should be better.

So, I’m working on a really long, difficult post. Rather than rush it through to beat midnight, I’m going to write it until it’s done.

That said, I’m posting this instead… a question.

I know I have at least six readers, hopefully more, but either way, I’m asking for ideas. If you could have me write anything, absolutely anything, what would you have me write? Nothing is off limits, nothing’s taboo. You ask for it, I’ll write it.

Just leave your ideas in the comments, and I’ll write them. If nobody leaves any ideas, well, at least I have one post in the works.

So, today was a pretty bad day. I was watching Dr. Phil, Las Vegas meth-head tunnel-dwellers. Really, just this mom who abandoned her four kids to go live in a storm tunnel with a fellow she met in rehab, who she married. They had a pet rat, a ferret, a big bed, and a lot of junk that would wash away every rain, backpacks clothes, whatever they’d collected. I was, you know, riveted, but all of a sudden I was breathless. I couldn’t breathe. My vent started alarming, and I could not get my chest muscles to move. The vent wasn’t doing its job. A hose fell off.

Obviously, I didn’t die, but it reminded me why I always feel time.

Right now, I’m thinking my vow, especially the latter part, is going to be really hard to keep, but I’m hoping that it’s one of those things that gets easier as you go. مراهنات Like almost dying, then not dying. We’ll see. I think it would be really embarrassing to fail this one. I just don’t want to end a washed up, waste of craft, muttering to myself, K.J. Bishop and Jeff VanderMeer used to read MY blog… I’m pretty fucking close to that end now, just teetering on some invisible line. العاب بوكر اون لاين I want some distance from that line. استراتيجية روليت