My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for September 8th, 2013

A love, hate, right now hate, thing

September 08th, 2013 | Category: Life

So, let me say first, the tubes that keep me alive are a blessing. When the doctor asked if I wanted absolutely whatever it took to keep me alive, I said, “Yes.” He was trying to convince my mom to let me go, and then telling his fellow doctors that it was all my mom fighting a lost cause. That I wouldn’t want to go on with machines and tubes and hoses, if such measures even worked. Exhausted, my mom told him to ask me, ask me while he still could. He asked me, I said, “Yes,” to everything. Then I coded, died, my heart stopped, and they got me back. They did all the procedures one doctor thought I couldn’t possibly want, and now I’m typing this post, six years later.

Now, given everything that has happened since, the ups and downs, depression, joy, depression… My trach feeling awful over and over, feeling awful right now… Given everything, would I tell that doctor to do what he did then, knowing all that I know now? Of course, totally fucking YES. That said, I’m so exhausted, so uneasy. More than anything, I’m scared, scared my story isn’t going to end right.

This is just a prelude to a larger narrative, my trach is still really bothering me. I didn’t have the focus to write more, but I figured a start is better than nothing.