My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

So, I spent today in the hospital, getting a fresh trach, a sinus wash, AND flu-shot. Needless to say, I’m exhausted… and scared. I really don’t like feeling like a sick kitten.

Everything’s the same.

I feel like I’m falling apart, like I ought not exist anymore.

SO, my face has been really bad today, the pain is pretty much my entire world. I just close my eyes and pretty much beg my face to stop hurting. I’m begging God, I’m literally begging my face itself to quit hurting. Begging whoever, whatever, just make it stop. The begging doesn’t actually DO anything, but it just feels like the thing to DO anyways.

Right now, I’m really exhausted, and scared because I’m so exhausted.

critical thinker was kind enough to leave a fake e-mail address tied to a Tampa ip to back-up this comment…

 I’ve got an idea: why don’t you learn how to start a sentence without using the word “so” for a change. روليت مجاني You know, since you fancy yourself a “writer” and what not.

It’s not so much about learning, that I lack a college degree, that I’m just too Goddamn stupid to differently start my sentences. لعب القمار على الانترنت It’s more of a style choice. If you don’t care for my style choices, I don’t care if you quit reading. If you quit reading, I might go into therapy, 4-6 months, we “writers” are a little off, but I promise, I will get over your absence. قواعد لعب البوكر

So, today has been crazy, one of those days where everybody’s mad at you and you really don’t know why.

And just maybe I’m to blame for all I’ve heard…

I don’t know. I’m just tired. My face hurts today, that never helps. I don’t think right, say the right things.

Tomorrow will be different. Today is not the day for writing, but then there’s tomorrow.

So, we have a few suggestions, but there’s still time for a few more… something crazy!

I’m writing tomorrow…

So, does anybody have any requests? Things YOU want to see posted?

Essays about kittens in dance?

Turtles in crossed genre sci-fi/horror/erotica?

My relationship with Elizabeth Taylor?

I’ll write about anything… just ask…

So, on my 32nd birthday, the last day of 2012, I woke up with my girlfriend, to her beautiful latte-colored eyes smiling at me. “Happy birthday, Michael Phillips” with a kiss. I was really happy, being with her makes me feel like I’ve won some sort of secret lottery, the good kind, not the kind where you get hit in the face with rocks. Still, I’m me, so I was uneasy too. I’m always uneasy on my birthday, I don’t like getting older, another year nearer to the end of me. I just don’t like it. In my head, I still feel like I’m 27, I still like making love at 2 AM, zombies, Nirvana, goth clubs, dive bars… Physically, I just don’t feel 27, and it bothers me. Okay, absolutely nothing will ever cause me to turn down my lover at 2 AM, but the goth clubs, staying out until last call, I get tired easier than I used to, back when I was 27.

It was going out at night that I was thinking about all day. I wanted to show my love a night out, I wanted to kiss her at midnight in some dark, smokey club, feeling her against me, feeling the music envelope us.

I also woke up tired, and nervous, I wanted us to stay in bed, kissing at midnight under a cozy warm blanket. It was also fucking cold out, another reason not leave my comfy chamber.

So, of course, we went out. Whenever I’m really nervous, and really tired, I always try very hard to do the opposite of doing what’s easy. I’d much rather die on some adventure than in some tiny room.

So, we went out, went to Ybor City, home of my tattoo shop, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, and the best bars and clubs around.

On my birthday, my brother takes me anywhere I want to go, until there’s nowhere left to go, which is spectacular of him. He gives up his New Year’s Eve to give me my birthday.

The tattoo shop was closed, so no new tattoo, but we went to my favorite bar, The Boneyard. Back when I drank, I was a regular. I ran into a pal who’s also a regular, who, along with his lady, was wearing a giant bunny suit for some reason. He had a spare giant bunny suit and offered it to me. Of course, I took it. I mean, what better way to totally turn on your girl than don a giant bunny suit and take her to a goth club? Only one, but it involves vacuum tubes and pulleys, and is a little risqué for this post. So, yeah, I’m 32, on the way to the goth club with my love, my brother, and my good friend, Jimmy, wearing a giant pink bunny suit.

We got to The Castle, this ultra-hardcore goth club, but everyone, especially the stuff, is always totally kind and welcoming. They don’t ask me to leave because of the potential liability caused by me being on a vent in a flat wheel-chair (a lamer bar once threw me out), they make sure I’m comfortable and having fun. Downstairs is kind of mellow, a bar, outdoor dance-floor, but upstairs, upstairs is MAGICAL. Upstairs has crazy swirling lights, fog machines, bizarre art house images projected onto giant screens, fluid goth dancing, go-go girls.

Upstairs has THIS!

The Senator

Brian (my brother). Jimmy, and me…

To get to all of that, however, I have to get carried, vent, chair, et all, up two flights of precarious stairs, and as we know, I was feeling uneasy. I thought about staying downstairs, having a low-key night. My girlfriend was intrigued by the upstairs, but was nervous about me accidentally dying in getting there. So, we went. I wanted to kiss her under the lights, in the fog. I wanted to show her that we can do anything we want, if we want it. I wanted to show her that I’d go anywhere, do anything, for her.

Midnight ticked by, my 2012 ended with a passionate kiss with a woman I love beyond words.

It was a good birthday.

I’m vowing, right now, for real, to post SOMETHING every-day in 2013.

Today was very annoyingly busy, tomorrow I want to post about my birthday…