My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

Honestly, I never meant for so much to get so ugly. I only have myself to blame. I know none of you know what I’m talking about, but I know, and that’s enough for right now.

I just, I love someone, and I can’t not. It just doesn’t matter, she’s so gone, and I have to figure out how to be okay.

From right now, I’m going to do better. I’m going to be better.

Today used to be so beautiful.

Today nothing is beautiful.

My World went away.

I’m alone, and I’ll be alone, and I earned it.

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Do you know he’d stay, do you know it deep-down, in that same place you know the sky is blue only to fade to black? Do you know he’d stay until the end of his everything? He’d stay perpetually wanting, he’d stay until he quit breathing, if you asked. Did you see that in his face, in his eyes, did you feel it in his touch? Do you know these things?

He’s enthralled to you, you hold every key to his every lock. Your smile. soft and bright as full moonlight. Your warm eyes, the color of fall leaves. He knows your face so well, loves you so well, he could sketch every inch with his eyes closed. It’s almost too much beauty, more than he can hold inside him sometimes, almost too overwhelming, when things are quiet, when he’s alone, He knows you’re more like a star fallen from the sky than just some anybody. He knows there’s no one who can fill his dull world with so much radiance. He knows you’re the only you.

He’s laid next to you at night, woken from bad dreams, feeling you there slowed his racing heart, made his head a safe place. You never heard it, you looked too peaceful nudge back to conciousness. but he’d tell you things.  Angel, I love you, I can’t explain how much, I just love you with everything in me. I don’t want to be anywhere else right now, you’re where I want to be, always, since the day we met. I don’t ever want you to go. He’d feel so much, say so much, all while you slept.

He loves you for all your beauty, for the peace you give him when you’re close, but not just those reasons. Something intrinsic draws him in, there’s something intangible that he sees in your eyes that binds him and ties him to you so tightly. Sometimes his wrists bleed, bound by invisible strands. The pain makes no nevermind to him. He’d cut himself a thousand times for you. He’d bleed out for you.

He’s never told you these things, but do you know them anyway, in ways unspoken?

You’re asleep now, but you’ll be awake soon, somewhere else and not with him.

The line from this song that I can’t get out of my head, I don’t know what to do with your clothes or your letters that’ll make a whisper out of you…

I don’t know either. You can get rid of all the things that someone leaves when they leave you, but they’re still so right these, always there. You see them every time you close your eyes.

At least it’s a pretty song.

Tattoo by Fish, Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this is my fifty-sixth tattoo, I’m honestly running out of space. I mean, I could put little images all over me, but as far as full lines of text go, we’re getting toward the home stretch, I think.

This tattoo is from a Nirvana song, an early demo version of one of their most famous songs, Heart-Shaped Box. The demo’s off their With the Lights Out collection. I really like this version a lot, you can tell Kurt has the idea in his head, a song about an intense, crushing relationship with a woman, he has the sound figured out too, but he’s still sorting out the words and the imagery. I really like feeling like I’m sitting in on that creative process. He uses lots of funeral imagery, I’ve been buried in your heart-shaped box for weeks…Then the last line, the line etched into my upper-arm, I’ve been locked in heart-shaped coffins for too many weeks…

Now’s supposed to come the why of it, some sweeping narrative that would explain me. Honestly, I’m just tired. I experience those words every Goddamn fuckin’ day.

So, went to open mic at Sacred Grounds last night. It was okay for a little bit, but… I was, I was sitting there, Dani was on stage playing her violin. I’d already done my reading, Connection to divinity, Well, goodbye, and a really old piece, Your daily suicides. The first two were really hard to hear, that’s when I got that empty feeling in my chest, an emptiness that hurts, like a part of me is somewhere else.

Practically everything I’ve written for almost four years was for one person, I just wanted her to know how I feel about her, that I love her so completely, that I feel alone without her, that I have always been so scared of losing her. I gave her so many words, and, now I can’t stand reading any of them. I was in this room full of people and it all just felt so hollow, and lonely. So, I left.

Visual metaphor time!

Lauren, Dani, and me...

You can see my scruffy face, I think I’m just letting it go.

Me, but people are back there somewhere...

I tend to feel like this a lot, like only a part of me is anywhere.

So, I obviously didn’t get around to writing about the new tattoo, but I will. Soon.

Last year, July 25th, everything was so fucking perfect. The world was right, and beautiful, and wide open. I marked my calendar. I wish I could forget… fuck it. I can’t, I don’t have the words. Today was supposed to be so much better.

I’m just stuck.

I don’t want this song to be so true. It didn’t used to be true. I have to make it not true. I can write my own reality, I can. I know I can. Life isn’t just something that happens to us, this string of seconds minutes hours days weeks months years that we can’t control, it’s not. We’re all capable of magic, words do cast spells, words create. Words are powerful, I just have to use them better. I have to stop wasting them. I have to stop letting myself fall until I’m dead.

He fell and fell and fell for her until he burned to nothing in her atmosphere.