My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for October, 2010

Just thoughts

October 31st, 2010 | Category: Life,Random Thought

I have too many thoughts in my head, it’s a mess, crowded and cluttered. The solitude, my big, showy, digital self-banishment, that hasn’t helped. Not that it would, not that it could. I mean, my being broken inside, my not being able to write or focus, or feel anything good, none of that has anything to  do with IMs or Tweets. I’ve done a lot of thinking recently, mostly when it’s dark and quiet, and I’m alone, wrapped in lonely. I just have to take what’s really weighing me down, and get free of that weight. I’m carrying too much, my backpack is too heavy. I’m exhausted. I’ve felt this way two Halloweens in a row, it’s so… my fault.

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2008, again?

October 30th, 2010 | Category: Life,Random Thought

Is it 2008, again? Sitting in a room, my room, some room, any room, alone, wanting to be someplace else. This isn’t my room, at least, not the room in my head. That room, it’s so different.

Watching movies alone, wanting to be someplace else. Not any place else, not, “Oh, God, anywhere but here,” but someplace. Someplace nice, someplace I’ve been, but can’t seem to stay. Writing without writing, or not writing, not there’s much difference. Though, the writing without writing, that’s really more of a 2005 kind of thing. I’m so 2008, or 2005, or early 2007, or even the latter half of 2009, not that it matters. They’re all pretty much the same place.

Oh, Peter Smith-Kingsley, where are you?

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I’m out awhile

October 25th, 2010 | Category: Life

I’ve decided that I need to really examine my life and focus on my writing, as well as reading more. I have so many books piled up. Doing this is going to require some solitude, a good deal of it. To this end, I’ll no longer do any IMing, texting, or social tweeting, until I fix what’s broken in me.

I will still reply to blog comments and e-mail correspondence, and of course, in-person interaction.

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I’m aware

October 21st, 2010 | Category: Life

I’m aware that at some point, probably soon, people are going to forget me if I don’t start writing again. I’m sure this is already starting. I really don’t want this to happen.I love words and writing, arranging words into something whole, and hopefully beautiful. I like that people read my stuff, and when someone tells me that something I wrote affected them. I don’t want to be forgotten, and I don’t want to disappear before I’ve written something of real importance, something that feels important to me anyways.  I’m just stuck, and the desire to write things, anything, isn’t in me. I’m drowning in anxiety, and fear, and a certain emptiness, and ennui. I hate these feelings, though they’re so completely familiar. The thing is, I don’t feel “lost,” I’m not lost. I know where I want to be, what I want to feel, I know everything I want. I always know what I want, I’ve never not known. This, it’s like a bad dream, and I can’t wake up. I so can’t wake up.

Still, I need to write. I need to force myself to write, something, anything, everyday. Maybe everyday. I need to try, at least.

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Off to Savannah

October 07th, 2010 | Category: Life

So, I’m off to Savannah, GA, for my brother’s wedding. It’s not like I’m writing anything lately anyways, but maybe the road will inspire me. I doubt it.

Would I were beside her… She’s a long one, such a long one…

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Rigor Amortis Launch!

October 01st, 2010 | Category: Life,Writing,Zombie Erotica

So, Rigor Amortis launched today, the collection of zombie erotica and romance flash fiction which contains one of my stories. It’s a really good collection, stories ranging from sweet to sexy, disturbing to terrifying. Rigor Amortis mixes horror and love, death and sex, it bends genre barriers until they break, creating unexpectedly wonderful stories. If this sounds interesting, pick up a copy on Amazon. I’d love to get some feedback on my tale sex and the undead.

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