My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for July 18th, 2010

Write, Goddamnit!

July 18th, 2010 | Category: Life

I’m just going to write the thoughts in my head because I need to start writing again, and anything is probably better than nothing. Unless the anything is a bunch of boring stuff that’s really boring, so I’ll try to avoid that…

Right now, I’m thinking about someone, two someones. I’ve been in love with someone for a long time, for years. Monica, she’s everything to me, nobody has ever affected me like her. We click, being with her, it’s as natural as breathing. Around her, I feel like the me in my head, I’ve never had to wear a mask to make her love me. She does love me, she loves me exactly as I am, all the shininess, and the dark darkness. I am genuinely happy when I’m with her, I feel peace. It’s just, our relationship hasn’t been a straight-line.

We’ve been in love for so long, best friends who so wanted more. Getting to more, it just didn’t seem like it would ever happen. We’d get SO CLOSE, then not. It almost didn’t happen, I honestly thought I’d lost her. That feeling was probably the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I wrote things like Christmas in a park, Telling a story, The world outside is burning… There were things she thought she couldn’t tell me, for months we barely talked, let alone fell asleep holding each other. The distance was bad, and I thought it permanent, but I had no idea why.

Jump ahead to where she tells me everything that kept us apart, jump to where she tells me she loves me, she doesn’t want to be without me any longer, she wants to be “us.” Jump back to where I’d started seeing someone else because being alone just hurt too much, jump to us being together for a month, jump to me leaving her and destroying her heart. I feel awful for hurting her. She said she loved me, and was nothing but good to me, but I couldn’t stay. I knew I belonged somewhere else, I couldn’t pretend otherwise anymore. I wanted to be good to her, to love her deeply, it just didn’t work. I think I was good to her, when I left I was just honest. Leaving wasn’t easy, I did have feelings for her, I told her so.

She didn’t take it so well, somewhere on tumblr there’s a blog partly dedicated to what a disgusting “womanizer” I am. Posts about how the stuff that comes out of the hole in my neck smells awful, how I suck because I’d never be able to open a car door for her, or cook dinner, or kiss her in certain places, then she gets really harsh. She basically put everything about me that scares me, everything I’m self-conscious about, into one nightmarish paragraph. She’s apologized and took a lot of it down. She said she wrote it specifically to hurt me because I hurt her, but she didn’t actually mean it. I understand that intellectually, and I still feel awful for hurting her the way I did, but what she wrote really fucked me up. I’ve been scared that when I kiss and touch, I’m a let-down, that a woman who’s with me is missing out on too much for me to be worth it. Monica says that just isn’t true, that she knows certain things with me are going to be different, but that’s okay, she loves me so much, but I’m scared anyway.

Jump ahead to right now. I know I’m in the right place, I’ve wanted to be here for so long.