My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for February 1st, 2010

My backpack

February 01st, 2010 | Category: Life,Opinions

So, I went to see Up in the Air three times in the theater, and I’ll probably go for a fourth. Aside from firing people for a living, the film’s main character also does motivational speaking gigs. He talks about how we all carry a backpack, we fill it with keepsakes, gadgets, furniture, cars, houses, friends, acquaintances, family, lovers, secrets, compromises, responsibility. We jam so much into that backpack that we can’t move, we’re completely weighed down. The idea is that all that weight, even relationships, it all equates to a lack of freedom and ultimately, death.

Much of me agrees with that philosophy. I have so much “stuff,” but it’s just stuff, it doesn’t make me feel happy, or loved. Aside from my computer, I often think about throwing everything on a fire just to watch it burn. Stuff is often just a fix, something to stop up a hole where the rain gets in. Back in 2005, I accumulated a collection of anime DVDs that screamed, “OH MY GOD, I’M LONELY, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO LIFE!” Letting go of stuff can be freeing, gives a clean slate to focus on what really matters. People.

In my backpack, people, and all the accompanying emotional baggage, this isn’t inherently bad. I don’t want to be some lonely fucker, wandering around with an empty backpack. I don’t think relationships are inherently a lack of freedom. I mean, to me, being in love with someone who loves me the same way, that’s freedom. It’s the best feeling in the world, better than vodka and morphine combined. To me, all that matters is feeling genuinely connected to even just one person. I’m not afraid of commitments, or responsibility, that sort of weight doesn’t scare me. Loneliness scares me. I don’t want my backpack to be bereft of relationships, even if relationships can be difficult and painful. The hard part is really deciding how many people to carry around in that backpack. Some relationships aren’t worth the effort, some relationships are eventually detrimental. It’s difficult knowing who to keep, and who to toss. It’s difficult wanting someone to keep you, and knowing they might not.