My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

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Archive for October 14th, 2009

The bottom

October 14th, 2009 | Category: Life

So, Monday evening I drank enough bourbon to kill a small pony, and had to visit the e.r. I’ve done similarly before, and I suppose those other times didn’t particularly affect me. I never really openly talk about these things, but this time is different. Liquor’s been this really fun thing that various people have told me I “can’t” have, which is a lot of why I kept at it, and generally, aside from a few incidents over a few years, I’ve been fine. Still, before Monday I was thinking about giving it up, or really cutting back, or giving it up. I couldn’t decide. I just kept thinking that liquor hasn’t been fun for awhile. I mean, you feel great for two hours, everything’s all perfect, then you come down and feel like shit. I’d been hearing Kurt sing, “My heart is broke, but I have some glue. Help me inhale, mend it with you. We’ll float around, and hang out on clouds, then we’ll come down, and have a hangover…” Every time I drank something. It fit so perfectly. Drinking, quite often, was something I did  to turn off my head, to mask depression, or boredom, or both. I’d been thinking about that before I did what I did Monday, before I went and drank enough bourbon to kill a small pony.

I blacked out, woke up in the e.r. I woke up and thought, “Oh God, I fucked up.” It hit me just how stupid it was to wake up in that way. I finally thought about who I’d have hurt if I hadn’t managed to wake up. I don’t want to hurt those people. I don’t want to hurt a pair of beautiful brown eyes that I love so much. I don’t want to hurt myself. So, I’m done with the drinking, because I genuinely want to be done with it. I tried it for long enough, it’s absolutely no fun anymore. There are definitely better ways to handle boredom and melancholy. I hit the bottom, I didn’t like it.

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