My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for January, 2009

Last conversation

January 21st, 2009 | Category: Life

So, two years ago today I got trached. I had a hole cut in my neck, and a plastic tube pushed down my throat. The trache’s great for breathing, I’m alive because of it, but it also ended spoken conversation. Last summer, I tried the Passy-Muir Valve for talking, but it didn’t really work, breathing was really difficult, and my jaw muscles turned out to be gone. I used to talk, now I don’t. I’m used to it, and I’m not. I love the trache, and I hate it. Sometimes I cope quite badly, sometimes quite well.

I’ve been thinking about my last spoken conversation, the last clear sentence I managed before gagging and what-not. I said, “I love everything about you, you know.” And the reply, “I wish I loved everything about you,” or “I don’t love everything about you.” I’m admittedly hazy on the reply, but it was definitely one or the other. Either way, not what I wanted to hear. At least I honestly meant the last thing I ever said. Afterward, though, the idea of bleeding out really started to feel right, that was when I started thinking about it, wanting it. I think a person can only stand so many losses before they break. I sure broke, I’d never felt so completely lost and lonely. 

Looking back, however, it’s a pretty great last conversation. It’s beautifully sad, the perfect turning point, when a person’s story goes horribly wrong. That’s how the writer in me sees things. In the very back of my mind I always figure that if something doesn’t kill me, it’ll be something to write about later. The last two years have definitely given me plenty of material, plenty of amazing and awful experiences to turn into words, and sentences, and paragraphs.

I’m definitely not lonely today, I definitely don’t feel like bleeding in the bathtub. I was broken for a time, died again for a little while, but again, it didn’t take. Apparently, the story of me isn’t over, the characters and plot just shifted. I’m happy to keep writing, with this little tube in my throat.

7 comments

Shortcuts

January 20th, 2009 | Category: Life

Back in December, when I was “exhausted,” I had a talk with a psychologist. I was explaining why I felt like killing myself and what-not, typing it all out at a rather decent rate. During this chat she said to me, “you know, you should use abbreviations, it’d be much faster. Try things like grl frnd, or how r u?” I felt so astonishingly frustrated and out of place.  

Obviously, I’ve thought about shortcuts. Obviously, they’ve been suggested before. I just can’t make myself use them. Words and language are really important to me. The way I express myself best is in words. My voice might be gone, but I still have written language. I never “spoke” incorrectly, so now that the alphabet is all I have, I can’t make myself use it incorrectly. It might be easier, faster, but I can’t lose such an important part of myself. 

I really do worry that I’m tedious to people, everyday, almost every conversation. I just hope people understand, understand that I can’t give up another thing that I love, words.

12 comments

Where’s Michael?

January 19th, 2009 | Category: Life

We made the paper

 

Where's Michael?

Where's Michael?

2 comments

TweetUp 1.0

January 18th, 2009 | Category: Life

I’m kind of on a quest to be more social. I mean, I’m friendly, outgoing, not socially awkward, but I want to be able to go somewhere without my computer and be able to meet new people. Sometimes, I need a break from typing. It’s been just about two years without old-school talking, yet I still feel awkward sometimes talking to people with the alphabet, especially trying to meet new people. I want to change that, I want to feel less lonely in a crowd.

So, just for kicks, I dragged my friend, Sarah, and my assistant, Sarah, to a TweetUp at Tampa’s MOSI (museum of science and industry). A TweetUp is a gathering of Twitter users who often belong to a specific group. Last night’s get-together was for members of tampabloggers.com. I’d never been to a TweetUp before, and neither Sarah had ever used Twitter, so none of us had any idea what to expect from the evening. It was definitely an interesting experience.

There was a room full of people, all rather friendly, all seemingly familiar with one another from previous TweetUps. My little trio were definitely the “outsiders,” not quite so hardcore into the “Twitter lifestyle.” I mean, technology’s obviously really important to me. Back in the day I was quite into technology conferences and what-not, and I did enjoy much of it, yet deep down it never felt like “me.” I think I got so into tech culture because it was easy, it made sense to everybody. Yet, the me that I am today feels right and honest. I love my black nail-polish, my piercings, my fourteen tattoos, my dark books and music, the way I write. I’m home at goth clubs, dive bars, coffee shops, talking with other writers. I know technology so well because I require it, not necessarily because I love it. These things really kind of hit me last night, I saw how much I used to pretend to be someone else.

Still, I did like the people, I do want to go again. It’s good sometimes to be “out of your element.” I had a couple of short, but decent spontaneous conversations. I need to get better at introducing myself to people, rather than always waiting for people to come to me. Not being able to “talk” is still difficult for me in group situations. MOSI has a huge domed IMAX theater, at the top is an outdoor terrace, we hiked our way in the cold to gaze upon the majesty that is Tampa. I didn’t really care for the cityscape, but the sky was absolutely clear and gorgeous.

Now, pictures…

Me and Sarah, TweetingUp.

Me and Sarah, TweetingUp.

 

Sparkle Hat Guy.

Sparkle Hat Guy.

 

Whole expanse.

Whole expanse.

Oh, and for those new to the blog, I type it all by myself, really.

5 comments

T-e-d-i-o-u-s

January 18th, 2009 | Category: Random Thought

T-e-d-i-o-u-s i-s t-h-e d-i-s-t-i-l-l-a-t-i-o-n o-f t-h-o-u-g-h-t-s i-n-t-o w-o-r-d-s.

1 comment

Energy healing

January 17th, 2009 | Category: Life

So, I’m out at dinner with a lady-friend and my assistant, Sarah. It’s a lovely evening, I’m enjoying an excellent bisque, talking to a beautiful and witty woman. While I’m alphabeting something to my friend, I notice out the corner of my eye that this chick is whispering to Sarah. Apparently, she’s an “energy healer,” and has “worked with MD kids before.” Technically, I’m not a kid and I don’t have muscular dystrophy, but that’s just semantics. Anyway, she says, “he’s beautiful.” She says, “he has great energy.” She introduces herself and goes back to her table.

As we’re leaving she asks to say good-bye. She puts a hand on my legs, one on my head. I move my eyebrows in a “okay, bye, well-meaning and bizarre lady” kind of way. She says, “oh, he likes that.” She says, “he’s really feeling it.” After that, we part ways.

Now, I’m pretty sure I was completely healed for about an hour, but then it wore off.

9 comments

The Fifth Cylon

January 17th, 2009 | Category: Life

If you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica, this probably won’t be amusing…

bsg

1 comment

After Dark Horrorfest: The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and Dying Breed

January 16th, 2009 | Category: Opinions

Well, yesterday was the last day of the After Dark Horrorfest, and I ended up seeing two movies, The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and Dying Breed. The two totaled 3 hours of fairly unfortunate cinema…

The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations tells the story of a fellow who is somehow able to “jump” back in time. He lays in a bathtub of ice-water, goes into a little trance, and he’s a time traveler. As long as he doesn’t try to change anything, as long as he simply observes the past, he wakes up safe and sound in his present. However, when he goes back in time to solve his girlfriend’s murder at about the time of its occurrence in her bedroom, he accidentally runs into her sister. Rather than let sister discover the body like she’s supposed to, he tells her to wait in the car while he investigates the house. It’s a very small change, but it’s apparently enough to start a chain of seven murders over ten years.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t really see The Butterfly Effect, let alone The Butterfly Effect 2, but I seriously doubt that seeing them could have saved The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations. I could jump back in time to find out, to watch the previous two first, but then my entire family would probably end up murdered.

Dying Breed tells the story of four Aussies who venture out into the Tasmanian wilderness in the hopes of photographing the said to be extinct Tasmanian tiger. Now, I don’t care to write any more.

Dying Breed is just stupid gore porn. The four are terrorized and murdered by in-bred sadistic cannibals that time forgot. Oh, wait, they keep one woman alive to rape every so often, whenever they need a baby to boost their population. Really, I don’t mind a bunch of killing, but rape totally bothers me.

So, that’s it, six of eight horror movies in three days. My bizarre adventure is over.

2 comments

After Dark Horrorfest: Perkins’ 14

January 15th, 2009 | Category: Opinions

So, in my bizarre pursuit to see as much of this year’s After Dark Horrorfest as I possibly can, I ended up going to the 10:35 PM showing of Perkins’ 14. The title gave me absolutely no clue as to what I’d be seeing.

Perkins’ 14 tells the story of Ronald Perkins and his life’s work in the quiet little town of Lake Cove. Ronald had a rough childhood. At the age of 6, Ronald’s parents are killed while he’s in the house. Mom stabbed 14 times, dad shot in the face. Police rule it a murder/suicide, the case is closed. Ronald never buys this theory, he feels let-down and abandoned by the town. So, when he grows up, Ronald decides to kidnap 14 children and lock them in his basement. He tortures them, de-humanizes them, pumps them full of PCP and various other drugs. Ronald creates his own little army of mindless, heartless, really angry zombies. On the night of the ten year anniversary of the fourteenth kidnapping, Ronald’s kids get to go home again. It’s not a happy homecoming.

I admit it, I’m a sucker for zombie movies, so I really did love Perkins’ 14. It’s actually very well-shot, with just enough shaky-camera to give everything a very frenetic feeling. Visually, the film is quite reminiscent of 28 Days Later. I even found myself a little scared at times, as the killing doesn’t always happen when it’s expected. Perkins’ 14 definitely made my evening.

Next, Dying Breed.

7 comments

After Dark Horrorfest: Voices

January 14th, 2009 | Category: Opinions

Continuing my foray into the After Dark Horrorfest, today I saw Voices. Again, I had no idea what to expect from my trip to the theater. I didn’t know Voices was Japanese, nor did I know it was subtitled…

Voices tells the story of a girl, and a curse, and a bunch of people getting stabbed, and revenge, and different people trying to kill the previously mentioned girl just about every-day for no reasonably apparent reason, and some kind of demon or something, and, and, and…

Voices is such a convoluted disaster, the thought of trying to explain it makes me want to quit writing entirely. So, I won’t.

Tomorrow, Dying Breed.

2 comments

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