My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for January 23rd, 2009

A different trache

January 23rd, 2009 | Category: Life

The photo is from this morning’s trache change. My doctors are always thinking outside the box, so we tried something a LITTLE different…

The pen trache

The pen trache

Okay, it’s really from my favorite scene in Saw V. A fellow’s head is sealed in a glass box, the box fills with water. So, rather than die horribly, he whips out a bic pen and traches himself. It’s such a beautiful little scene, it perfectly illustrates that spectacular moment just after an airway is opened. It’s an instant of euphoria, better than sex. Though, after the airway is nice and secure, the idea is to have sex AND the airway. At least, that’s always my idea.


Trache in the morning

January 23rd, 2009 | Category: Life

So, in the morning, in about six hours, I go for my monthly trache change. Usually, I’m really rather nervous about the procedure, especially right before, but this time I feel pretty good. I’m just not particularly afraid. I have to have it done, if I die, I die. There’s really no sense in worrying about it.

I mean, I’m generally less afraid of dying than I used to be, it’s just not as frightening. After December, I’m far more afraid of living, feeling completely lonely, miserable, wanting to die. I don’t ever want to feel like that again. It’s odd to explain. I’m not really afraid of dying, but I definitely don’t want to die. I want to live, and live spectacularly. There are people I really want to know better, there are so many things I have yet to experience. I’m totally capable of everything I want, I remember that now. I’m working toward what I want, and I’m not about to quit willingly. It’s going to take a fatally stupid trache change to stop me, hopefully not this one.

I have plenty more left to write.