My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for November, 2008

Woodland Critter Christmas

November 30th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

This year, instead of regular mundane Christmas, I really want a Woodland Critter Christmas.

5 comments

Sleepies

November 29th, 2008 | Category: Life

So, I’ve slept most of today, which is bizarre at best, but last night was kind of… bad. I didn’t end up falling asleep until about 6 AM. I’ve been having odd dreams. I’ll wake up in my dream and find that can’t reach the little switch that controls my computer, and I can’t yell for help. Then, in the dream I tell myself it has to be a dream, but I can’t make myself wake up. Lots of other bad dreams, just fragments about Sara. I hope that these fragmented nightmares give me something good to write. I dreamed the beginning of a short-story too, but just a few lines.

He looks at you through cold blue-green eyes. The light has gone out of him, but he’s not dead.

I really like the sentences, but I don’t really know what’s next.

2 comments

Thanksgiving, addiction and suicide

November 28th, 2008 | Category: Life

I’ve been thinking about this post for awhile, it just wasn’t particularly clear enough to write. Some friends came over before the big turkey dinner for a movie, The Royal Tenenbaums. I hadn’t seen it in years, but this time it felt rather different.

A few years ago, there were some things I didn’t really understand. I obviously knew about addiction and suicide, I knew people got lost in both, but I didn’t understand why. I guess I had sympathy without empathy. I always thought it ridiculous and sad that someone would do anything to chase a fix, or want to die, and then make it happen. Both things are still sad, but I don’t think they’re ridiculous. I don’t look down on people who do such things and wonder, “why?” I get the whys now, whether I want to or not. 

Sometimes life feels so painful, so wrong, all a person wants is a break, anything to feel some sort of comfort. Drugs and alcohol provide that comfort, they make that pain stop for a little while. While a person’s high on whatever they’re on it seems like the best idea in the world, everything feels so perfectly clear, and safe. Of course, this is temporary, everybody comes down, and the life that felt bad before feels even worse with the contrast. Each fix feels a little less great, and the next fix feels a little more important. If one’s fixes don’t result in accidental death, maybe they get help. Or maybe they don’t.

Sometimes life hurts so much, one feels so entirely lost and alone, that bleeding in the bathtub honestly seems like the only fix. Everything feels empty, highs are temporary at best, and one knows it. Suicides are missing a spark, that little voice that says tomorrow will be better. It’s terrifying when that voice is silent.

I understand why people fall down and stay down. It’s totally sad when it happens, but it happens nonetheless. It’s absolutely sad, but it’s not nonsense. Not to me, not anymore.

3 comments

Thanksgiving ’08

November 27th, 2008 | Category: Life

So, it’s Thanksgiving, again. I don’t feel like I did last year, I’m much more tired. I miss last year, but such things are pointless, what’s done is done. I am tired though, it’s difficult being thankful, which is horrible of me. Still, I can’t feel what I don’t feel. Hopefully, someone will get ridiculously drunk at dinner, or some such.

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Saddest mix

November 26th, 2008 | Category: Life

I’ve accidentally created one of the saddest, most depressing mix CDs of all time. I’m not saying it’s the saddest, I can’t verify that, but I can safely say that it’s in the top five. I was shooting for relaxing, but relaxing flew by, and we ended up at astonishingly sad. It seems to be the perfect balance of Elliott Smith and Aimee Mann, a distillation of their most melancholy work.

Perhaps, one day, this mix will be responsible for the collapse of society, like The Signal

6 comments

Back from the e.r.

November 25th, 2008 | Category: Life

Yes, I’m back, and it was magical. I got an i.v. in my thumb, which was exciting. The nurses are always terrified to stick me because, for some reason, they feel like I can’t take the pain. It’s a little ridiculous, considering the giant poppy I have tattooed on the top of my hand.

5 comments

Off to the e.r.

November 25th, 2008 | Category: Life

I’m off to the e.r. because I’m not breathing so great.

4 comments

Pre-Fathom

November 24th, 2008 | Category: Opinions

So, I was fortunate enough to be sent an early copy of Cherie Priest’s upcoming novel, Fathom. I’m still mid-read, but so far it’s excellent, and based on her other work I really don’t think Fathom’s going to fall apart.

If I didn’t already have it, I’d definitely pre-order it. I’ll write more after I finish the read.

1 comment

Sex and gin

November 24th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

At this point, I’d definitely sell my soul for sex and gin, to anyone buying.

3 comments

Thank you, homeless

November 23rd, 2008 | Category: Life,Random Thought

I really enjoy it when homeless people stop me to ask how my girlfriend’s doing and if she’s treating me well. I don’t particularly feel like alphabetting I a m s u r e s h e i s g r e a t b u t  s h e d u m p e d m e l i k e a s a c k o f b r i c k s, so I just nod in affirmation and give him five bucks.

6 comments

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