My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Archive for September, 2008

A better picture

September 30th, 2008 | Category: Life

Here’s a better picture of tattoo number ten. The green is much more visible now.

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Dive, dive, dive, dive in me!

September 30th, 2008 | Category: Life

I’m a kind of addicted to a video of Nirvana playing Dive, I watch it a few times a day lately. It’s a little ridiculous, but for the 4 minutes and 19 seconds it’s on I’m genuinely happy. I think it’s the way Kurt looks, he’s in a dress and a tiara, and he’s doing exactly what he wants to be doing. He tunes his guitar a little, takes a spectacular drag off his cigarette and that’s it, he’s on. It’s beautiful watching something like that, 4 minutes and 19 seconds of total contentment and freedom.

Whatever Kurt did on stage just looked so pure, exactly what he wanted to be doing. He wasn’t putting on an “act.” He did whatever crazy fucked up idea he had in his head, not for the “show,” but because he liked it. He wanted it. I aspire to that sort of freedom. I’ve had it before.

Lately I feel kind of lost, but when I watch Kurt wear a dress, or smash up an amp, it reminds me of that freedom and how it feels. It pushes me to have that feeling again, to chase that fix. It’s why I leave the house with a hose in my neck and IVs in me. It’s why I have ten tattoos. It’s why I flirt, why I kissed Sara one rainy night in that tiny room. I like that feeling, I need it. Seeing that freedom reminds me that it’s possible, even if everything I want seems so far away.

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Fucked up

September 29th, 2008 | Category: Life

I’m so exhausted and fucked up right now. The ambulance just left because my trache went crazy and I couldn’t stop coughing, which, of course, got better after they arrived. Obviously, I’m glad I didn’t have to go, but I feel pretty Goddamn fucking stupid. My head hurts from coughing. I have things to do tomorrow, I’m nervous it’ll happen again. I feel like a ridiculous failure. I wish I could sleep for a thousand years.

6 comments

Tattoo #10

September 28th, 2008 | Category: Life,Tattoos

So, I finally got my tenth tattoo. It’s actually an idea I got while I was in the hospital last week, not the idea I had before the hospital. While I was in, a friend drew me a little flower on a post-it note that said, “Get well now!” It cheered me up, and I liked the writing. I did feel better. I want to keep being better. I’m not always so great, and it might be a cheap gimmick, but the tattoos remind me of things I forget.

It’s a little bloody just now, I’ll post a fresher picture tomorrow.

6 comments

Tired

September 27th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

I want to write something, many somethings, but I’m tired. Lots of ideas, no energy to write them.

I feel the Ativan grabbing me by the shoulders, holding me close, breathing softly in my ear. It’s not warm and nice like a lovers touch, it’s cold and lonely. It whispers empty nothings as it lulls me into unconsciousness. A lover’s whisper feels safe, promises something for tomorrow. Held by Ativan, I wake alone, but at least I sleep. My love was my Ativan, sleep warmer, waking brighter.

5 comments

There’s a hole in daddy’s arm

September 27th, 2008 | Category: Life

There’s a hole in daddy’s arm where all the money goes. Jesus Christ died for nothin’, I suppose.

Well, after five sticks, four at home and one in the e.r., I have a new needle. Hopefully, the fucker’ll stay in my arm.

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Goodbye needle

September 26th, 2008 | Category: Life

So, I’ve had a needle in my neck for trache related IV anti-biotics. It’s been a little creepy having such a thing outside the hospital, especially since it wasn’t used to administer narcotics. That’s just the association I’ve developed with having a needle in my neck. Yes, there’s a needle in my neck, but if I’m getting Propofol or Morphine it really doesn’t matter. At any rate, I really had to go out today, needle or not.

I decided to go for a tattoo, one I keep trying to get, and a latte. I got to the tattoo shoppe at 2:30 PM and they were already booked. I couldn’t believe it. I had to make an appointment for Sunday. The latte, however, was excellent. Of course, none of this particularly interesting. The interesting part, at least to me, is that at some point during my travels the needle came out of my neck. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t bleed. I didn’t notice. So, obviously, I’m a highly evolved zombie.

2 comments

Creep

September 26th, 2008 | Category: Life,Random Thought

So, I’ve been falling asleep and waking up listening to my iPod. I had more really bad dreams last night. I used to have fake bad dreams about zombies and what-not, but lately I’ve graduated to real ones. Anyway, I had a particularly bad dream and woke up with a start listening to Radiohead’s Creep. It just seems fitting to wake up that way.

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Whorey

September 26th, 2008 | Category: Life,Random Thought

This is whorey, but does anybody have a good .mp3 of this video?

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Avoiding

September 25th, 2008 | Category: Random Thought

You know, if I want to avoid a searing desire to enjoy large quantities of opiates, I really ought not watch the TAL episode for the time being.

16 comments

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