My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…
Archive for July 27th, 2008

Front Page News

July 27th, 2008 | Category: Life

Sara’s second article is in the Boston Globe, but this time… it’s on the front page! She’s so ridiculously badassed…

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Mistakes

July 27th, 2008 | Category: Life

So, under stress, I tend to make really stupid mistakes, mind blowingly stupid. Over the past few months, on several occasions, that mistake has been drinking way too much and lying about it. It’s such a stupid thing to do, but I kept doing it. Unfortunately, I did it again Friday night. I promised, I swore that I wouldn’t do that again, but I totally got smashed. I broke my promise again, I hurt someone I love more than my Goddamn fucking BiPap. I really hate that there’s something in me that could do something so awful. I keep thinking about the whys…

I’m nervous and uneasy just about all the time lately, it just doesn’t stop, it’s almost always something. When you find something to make that feeling go away, you really like it. Anything for some peace…

Alcohol has certain sensual qualities. It puts a nice warm feeling in my chest, it puts an amazing taste in my mouth. I really do love my peg tube, but sometimes I really do miss strong tastes while eating. I get certain flavors in my mouth with the peg tube, garlic, various spices, mint, but alcohol is by far the most noticeable…

Okay, this reason seems pretty stupid, but I saw drinking as a way to exert personal independence. Everybody kept telling me that I couldn’t do it, which, stupidly, only made me want to do it more. I wanted that choice. I wanted to prove that I could handle it. However, I definitely can’t seem to handle it, so it’s time to close the bar and call it a day…

So, I made mistakes that I can’t go back and undo. I can only go forward and not make those mistakes again. I’m going to see a doctor about some anti-anxiety meds, I’m going work on things that bother me, but I’m definitely through with the drinking. I wish I’d been smart enough to figure this out sooner, before I lost anything important.

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