My Whole Expanse I Cannot See…

I formulate infinity stored deep inside of me…

Aug 28

Randomsies

Category: Life

So, I had really bad dreams last night, worse than usual, about someone. I woke up at 5 am and didn’t feel like sleeping again. I finished one Diablo book, started another. They’re fun! Still, after Diablo: Moon of the Spider, I’ll get back to more literary reading.

I did some adjusting to my story, it’s called, Contentment. I’m not posting it here because I’m going to see if I can’t get it published somewhere else. I feel like it’s at least worth trying. Of the three stories I’ve had published, they hit me hard and were written in under an hour. Contentment happened the same way, so maybe it’ll go like the others. Like I said, it’s at least worth trying.

I’m tired of me.

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Aug 27

I just…

Category: Life

I just can’t get in any sort of groove. The story I keep mentioning hit me so hard, flowed out so easily, but that was it. I heard the words, it was so fucking clear.

Now, nothing’s clear.

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Aug 26

Rocky start

Category: Life

So, my daily word count is off to a very rocky start. Still, I’m not discouraged. A few bad days don’t fuck everything.

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Aug 25

Monday, ugh

Category: Life

So, I’ve fallen off my word count. Badly. Already.

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Aug 24

Wasted Sunday

Category: Life

So, I have more energy than yesterday, but it’s all nervous. I’m uneasy, I can’t focus on any one thing. I really hate days like this, I can’t think, or relax, or write anything worth reading.

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Aug 23

The day after

Category: Life

So, I slept most of today. I feel old.

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Aug 22

In the morning: Trach day, fun-day

Category: Life

In the morning , I go for my four weeks trach (the little plastic tube in my throat) change. I’m not nervous like I used to get, I just don’t look forward to bow worn out I feel afterward. Worn out and lonely and uneasy.

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Aug 21

Tattoo #79

Tattoo by Kyle, Doc Dog's Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

Tattoo by Kyle, Doc Dog’s Las Vegas Tattoo, Ybor City

So, this tattoo, number seventy-nine, doesn’t follow my usual leanings toward song lyrics. Instead, I went with a book quote, a not-so-not-lengthy book quote. It’s from the last paragraph of Dermaphoria by Craig Clevenger. If you haven’t read either of Clevenger’s books. The Contortionist’s Handbook, Dermaphoria, you’re really missing something., they’re gorgeously sad books. I’m not at all ashamed to admit that the end of Dermaphoria had me crying at 4 am. Anyway, this is definitely my largest tattoo, it covers pretty much my entire right side. It’s there and almost nobody will ever see it outside of this post, but that’s not the point. It’s a memory made external, one that affected me so deeply that I want to physically carry it with me.

Again, since I’m running really low on space, it’s kind of awkwardly placed. It reads…

“…and in the moment

before the angels turn

off my universe, God’s

own clock quicksand

slows to an ice

whisper quiet and I

could sit here beside

you and watch the

twilight wither for

days on end.”

I don’t want to give away anything about what the words mean in the context of the book, but in the context of me…

No passage in any book has ever felt so familiar.

I was with someone I love, and we were lying together watching gorgeous twilight fade away, and I never wanted it to end. I never wanted to be without her, ever. Not ever.

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Aug 20

Todaaaaay

Category: Life,Opinions

So, I wrote this flash story, and I feel like it’s something different, like it’s one of the better things I’ve written. I’ve been tweaking it from a draft to something more like a finished story. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it yet, I’m still mulling things over. I don’t know why, I just feel really good about it. We’ll see.

I caught up on some e-mail… I’m really trying to be more productive. I’ve just been really nervous, like, all the time. I can’t get used to my new space, I don’t feel right here. It’s like, no matter how bad everything else felt, at least I had my room. I felt safe there, and it was mine. I picked the paint, the artwork, every piece of furniture, and everything was exactly in its place because I had it placed so. I built it with Celeste and Steven and Sarah and Katherine and Stacy, some of my best assistants, and some of my closest friends. They’re all far away now, but in that room they felt at least a little closer, and that felt good.  I made love to… Fuck it. What’s done is done.

Anyway, I’m reading these total cotton-candy books, light and fun, and no substance. I mean they’re not badly written trash, but they’re definitely not art. They’re based in the world of Diablo, a video franchise that is actually really spectacular. The games aside, the lore that’s the foundation of Diablo is intricate and well-realized, there’s plenty of material for decent fantasy writers to put out lots of fun books. Diablo’s been around since I was in high-school, and nerdy it may be, I’ve been a fan ever since. Technology has finally caught up to how detailed Diablo’s story is, so now we have gorgeous visuals that are fit for the story. For me, Diablo’s draw has always been the story. It’s set in a dark fantasy world in which angels and demons wage war against each other in the pits of Hell and at the very gates of Heaven, both sides using humanity for their own ends. It’s a world of powerful mages, humble warriors, once Holy Orders of Priests corrupted by demons offering immortality. It’s not Faulkner, but if you’re able to quote Faulkner, you can get away with reading a few Diablo books.

Okay, enough of me.

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Aug 19

My goal so far

Category: Life

So, I’ve kept to my word count goal of 500 words per day. This post aside, today I hit 740, but they’re not quite ready for their coming out party,they need a little extra finishing.

I’m tired right now, and uneasy.

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